A New Idea for Sexuality Labels — I’m Androphillic and Enbyphillic (mostly)

Idea that’s been kicking around for a while and I’ve mentioned here or there. But I think I’m gonna start putting it into practice.

It’s ridiculous that we identify our sexuality by reference to our gender. Why don’t we say who we are attracted to? If we need latin-esque words for sexuality labels, why not:

  • androphillic or androsexual (lover of men)
  • gynophilic/gynosexual (lover of women)
  • enbyphillic/enbysexual (lover of enbies)
  • etc

I’m not saying that folks who are gay or lesbian should feel the need to give up those identities. Do your thing!

But our current sexuality labels do not work once you move beyond the binary.

What is monosexual nonbinary person who is attracted to men? Or a monosexual woman who is attracted to nonbinary people? How do genderfluid people map to our current terminology? It doesn’t work.

Not Everyone Is Monosexual

Labels based on who we are attracted to allow clearer descriptions. Especially for folks who aren’t monosexual. There is no way to say ‘I’m mostly straight but a little bit lesbian.’ The best we have is bisexual. But you can absolutely say ‘I’m mostly androphyllic but a little bit gynophillic.’ Or how to describe someone attracted to nonbinary folks and men, but not women? Again, best we have is bisexual. Doesn’t ‘androphillic and enbyphillic’ work better?

Side note: I realize that not all nonbinary folks identify as enbies. I’m making this up as I go along and am open to other suggestions.

Flexibility Matters

Of course, that’s another good thing about this construction — it’s flexible. You can create new terms and be as specific as you want. There’s nothing stopping you from saying you are agenderphillic or panphillic or sarisphillic (if you happen to have a thing for people whose gender is an ancient Jewish thing almost no one has ever heard of)

Obvious, I lean toward a -phillic construction. It’s distinct from the current -sexual construction and would (hopefully) prevent confusion. But the -sexual construction has the advantage of being recognizable. people who haven’t heard it before will still understand what it’s referring to — someone’s sexuality.

So What’s my Dating Profile Look Like?

Hi, I’m Jess. I’m mostly androphillic and enbyphillic, but there have been a few women who caught my eye, including my awesome girlfriend C. I’m not looking for a new relationship right now, but I wouldn’t say ‘no’ if the right person came along.

Some Useful Adulting Lists

Like many millennial, growing up and moving out on my own meant confronting the fact that my parents hadn’t taught me most of what I needed to know to be a functional adult. Which, of course, is why ‘adulting’ became such a thing for many of us. I don’t think I’ll ever forget the day that I confronted my mother about why the hell she expected me to be able to keep an apartment clean when she never taught me to clean anything.

Apparently, she expected me to graduate college and magically get a job that paid enough to higher a cleaning service.

Even before the Recession this was ridiculous.

Anyway, now that my household is in a stable living situation and the worst of health problems are under control, I figured it was time to get a handle on some adulting stuff that had been on my mind for a while. Like having a proper first aid kit for when the kids bang themselves up or the right tools for various household projects (and learning how to use them).

So I put together, using a variety of sources, a few lists. And I’m sharing them here for other folks who aren’t quite sure what they need for a basic kitchen set up or what a good cleaning schedule is.

Household kits check list

Ideal cleaning schedule

Progress Counts: Adulting Version

While there are places you can buy a fully stocked first aid kit or emergency preparedness kit, I’m not saying anyone should do that. And if, like me, keeping the dishes clean is a constant challenge, you shouldn’t immediately try to clean the whole place in schedule every time.

I call it Ideal cleaning schedule for a reason.

Personally, each month that we have the money, I try to grab three more things off of the kit checklists. (I just realized I forgot to put a clean copy together for this post, so if you download the list you’ll see what I’ve got checked off and what I’m still waiting on.)

As far as cleaning, right now I’m working on getting a regular routine for daily and weekly cleaning stuff. Once I have that down, I’ll start integrating monthly and yearly stuffage.

And of course, if you are in a survival situation, maybe don’t open the lists at all. Maybe, as I did, file them and forget them for a while. They’ll be there when you are in a better place.

Polyamory on Purpose Guides — Planning Ahead

I can’t seem to work on books sequentially. Which is why I had already started writing a bit of Polyamory & Kink before I finished Safer Sex.

Now I find myself looking ahead again. I had tentatively hoped to tackle Raising Kids in Polyamorous Homes (Yeah, it’s a shit title. I’m working on it) as the next PoP book. But I find I’m still not in a place where I’m healthy enough to focus on that particular topic.

That plus some of what’s been going on in the polyam community of late has me thinking that maybe the next topic I tackle should be another fraught one, but in a very different way: abuse.

I haven’t made a final decision on this. I’m probably 6 months away from starting whatever book I decide to tackle after P&K. But it’s a strong lean. When I was blogging PoP, I got more positive feedback, more people reaching out to say how much my discussion of abuse helped them, about abuse than any other topic.

So there are several good reasons to put abuse at the top of the priority list. It’s topical (sort of, god knows how topical it will be by the time the book is ready for release 2+ years from now) and I know there are people who would benefit from it.

Interestingly, I don’t know if there will be all that much interest in it. If you had to ask me which book would benefit more people, Pregnancy or Polyam Home, I would have said Polyam Home hands down. But Pregnancy consistently outsells it (not by much mind, but noticeably). So my read on which books will help the most people doesn’t necessarily track to books that most people are looking for.

Random related, making the paperback cover for Safer Sex kind brought home how much of a challenge The Bookshelf is gonna be when most of my books are less than half an inch thick!

My Families

Since I’m going to be talking about my family a lot more than previously, it’s probably time I actually lay out who-all is in my family.

I know family life is always complicated, but mine is a bit more complicated than most, having two families-of-origin and a sprawling overlap of chosen family/polyamorous network.

My families of origin probably won’t be showing up that often, if only because (due to various kinds of distance) they just aren’t an active part of my life these days. Which is a sad.

Family of Origin 1

My birth family, including father, mother (recent deceased), 5 siblings, an aunt, a grandfather, a sister-in-law, and a sort-of uncle (my mother’s brother-of-choice) who I tend to forget exists half the time. (Sorry!)

Family of Origin 2

My adoptive family, including father (deceased), mother, brother, assorted aunts, uncles, and cousins, and apparently soon a sister-in-law.

Chosen Family/Polyam Network

Several of these folks will be coming up regularly. Especially in relation to generational household and old ‘woman’, but also sometimes also the farm. Often enough and enough detail that I went around and asked a bunch of them if they were okay being talked about and what name I should use for them.

  1. Michael — nesting partner, father of two of my children, my BDSM submissive & pet (24/7). She/her. Fursona is a demon.
  2. Michon — cuilmate, mother of two of my children, co-dom to Michael, head of family. Ze/hir. Fursona is a dragon.
  3. Dilip Numitor Amalia Chetana Waller — father of two of my children, Michon’s live-in co-parent, still figuring out where he fits in our weirdness. He/him. Told me to come up with a pseudonym for him, so I used my favorite random name generator. Now he’s stuck with it.
  4. C — girlfriend, LDR. She/her. Fursona is a cat.
  5. Ericka — Michael’s girlfriend & BDSM submissive, my friend. She/her. Fursona is probably a cat.
  6. B — sister-of-choice, auntie to two of my kids, mother to a kid of her own. She/her

Other folks who will also get mention from time to time:

  • The five kids Tween, Kid 1, Kid 2, Kidling, and Kidlet. For those who have been following the blog a while, none of these were part of the custody battle I was involved in several years ago. Tween is B’s kid. The others are mine by birth or by choice.
  • Michael’s brother-by-choice (J)
  • J’s mom, whose become mom-by-choice to me and Michael (MB)
  • Ericka’s Nana

Safer Sex for the Non-Monogamous is Available for Pre-Order! (sort of)

safer sex for the non-monogamous coverSafer Sex for the Non-Monogamous is now available for pre-order in ebook on Amazon. Ebook only, because Amazon is annoying like that.

The paperback version is be available as soon as Amazon gets it’s thumb out, supposedly sometime before Thursday.

Paperbook version is now available on Amazon and whatever other etailers KDP does print-on-demand for. Because of Amazon weirdness, the paperbook can be ordered now while the ebook is on pre-order. Meh.

The ebook will be available on other etailers Thursday.

The Farm: Lifetime Resolutions

The sad truth is that to some extent (and I’m not sure how much), I was taken in by Laura Ingalls Wilder’s romanticization of farm life as a child. And the more I learn about both the reality of farming and of Wilder, the more that disturbs me. But if that was the seed to my desire to have a farm, it grew into a very different thing based on experience.

Down on the… Backyard

Not much experience, true. But for most of my middle school and teen years, my father and I kept a small vegetable garden in our backyard. Strawberries, tomatoes, cucumbers, lettuce, broccoli once — that we didn’t harvest soon enough and went to seed.

And I loved it. I loved almost every part of it — picking out the baby plants or seeds at the store, preparing the ground, watching them grow, watering… okay, not the weeding… but I also loved how the stuff we bought at the supermarket never tasted as good as what we grew ourselves.

Supermarket strawberries were more sour than sweet. Our strawberries were a delicious button of sweetness with just a hint of sour. Store cucumbers were watery and tasteless. Our cucumbers, while still milder than I’d prefer, were crunchy and had a light flavor I could enjoy once in a while. And lettuce. I don’t know what lettuce Mom was buying at the store, but it never tasted anything like fresh picked from out back. We grew leaf lettuce, so instead of harvesting a whole head at a time, I could pick just enough leaves for salad or sandwiches.

The garden was a bit of a sore spot between me and Mom. Dad got into just because Dad liked gardening. But Mom wasn’t one for getting dirty. And she didn’t understand why when I was so picky and didn’t eat half of what we grew, I still wanted to keep growing vegetables. Though she did get into it after a few years and talked about planting a row of corn at the back so we’d have fresh all summer.

Two Goals, One Farm

Michael had always wanted a farm too, but their idea of a farm was more livestock focused. They talk about wanting chickens and goats and pigs (no) and llamas and… They also have a more commercial focus for the farm. Which, they kind of need if they are going to raise livestock. Starting with heirloom seeds or even wild plants, the cost of a large garden/small farm can be more than covered in what we save on groceries. (I have a not-so-short list of native and other wild food plants I’d like to grow.) If I have enough extra to set up a roadside stand or a small boxed-food thing, that’s a bonus.

Animals are expensive, both getting them, feeding them, and caring for them. So Michael needs the farm to be commercial in a way that I don’t. Michon is all about the animals too. Ze and Michael will get into discussions about sheep vs goats and why they don’t want guinea fowl. Honestly after ten minutes I lose interest.

I don’t have anything against raising animals, but it’s not where I want to put my time and energy. I don’t have experience or much knowledge to contribute. I’ll give my opinion if they ask for it and have occasionally put my foot down (no pigs). Michael and I both have ‘Farm’ on our list of 5 things to do with our lives. We have rather different ideas of what we want to do with the farm. If this gets off the ground, we will largely be running in parallel (while pitching in to help each other as we can).

That’s not to say I wouldn’t want the farm to be commercial. I love the idea of doing monthly boxes or similar that folks can sign up for. I spent a fun afternoon brainstorming different kinds of boxes, from basic veggies to a native foods box, to a canned and stewed box for over the winter.

But making it commercial is, for me, a nice bonus. The goal is to have the land, energy, and resources to grow food to feed my family for a good chunk of the year while saving on grocery bills.

Abuse, Franklin Veaux, and the Polyamory Communities

At this point I have almost entirely separated myself from the polyam communities. Partly, that’s been the result of my needing to get the hell off of Facebook for my own wellbeing. But another part, that I have never talked about publicly, is that I was gaslit by one polyam leader in front of a dozen or so other polyam leaders, and no one, including (I think) some of the folks on the team calling Franklin out now, spoke up*. Two people reached out me privately, one of whom wanted something from me related to the discussion, so I’ve never been sure if they would have reached out otherwise.

There isn’t a decent sized polyam group on the web that some of those people aren’t part of. So I just don’t feel safe.

No, the person who gaslit me wasn’t Franklin. No I am not going to name them at this time. Or probably ever, honestly. They did reach out me privately about a year after the incident to offer an (I believe sincere) apology. Unfortunately, the way they apologized compounded the original harm done as well as arriving at literally the worst possible time. My reply to them was rather harsh as a result and I haven’t heard from them since.

If you read this, I am in a better place now and am still willing to talk further when you are ready.

If you were part of that community and discussion and stood by, fuck you for having a hand in driving me out of a community I loved and being too blind to even notice.

I am glad that Franklin is being called in. The more distance I gave myself from the community, the more clearly I saw the problems in his attitude and writing. I was saddened but not surprised by the post on Medium last week.

But it’s not just Franklin, okay?

Just like it wasn’t just Wes. And it won’t be just whoever is called in/out next.

I am not good at community. I substitute enthusiasm for real ability at people stuff and mostly it works well enough. But I don’t begin to know what, if anything can be done about the pervasiveness of abuse, much of which is the result of living in an abusive culture that actively teaches harmful interactions.

So I don’t have any useful suggestions or ideas. Just… be aware, okay? Be aware.

 

*Multiple people on that team were part of that community. I do not clearly recall if any were part of that specific discussion. Truth is, my PTSD brain doesn’t much care.

Cuil Press, LLC: Lifetime Resolutions

Cuil Press is the indie publishing company Michon and I started a couple years ago. It’s had a very slow and rocky start, but I think we are finally finding our stride.

This particular resolution is in many ways the weakest. Not because my commitment is lower, but because I don’t have as clear an idea of what I am trying to achieve.

Partly, that may be because Cuil Press wasn’t my dream to begin with. It was Michon’s. And while I’m the one who grabbed the bull by the horns and said ‘Okay, let’s do this!’ ze is still the visionary of the Press. But a bigger part is that I’m afraid to come up with a specific goal for the Press.

I grew up watching disagreements about what direction to take a family business tear that business (and, as it appeared) family apart. It was only much later that I understood there never had been a family as I understood the term. Only people who felt stuck together by blood ties and business ownership.

Any goal I have for the Press risks coming into conflict with Michon’s vision for what it can and should be. And after what happened to the business my grandfather started, that possibility worries me more than it probably should.

So realistically, what do I want for the Press?

I want it to be bringing in enough money to pay us a reasonable amount for the time we put in and be able to offer our authors reasonable advances.

I want to be able to keep it going as a viable business, possibly even something that other people can pick up and continue after we retire.

I don’t want it to become a full-time job. (See Bookshelf)

I want to stay true to the ideas that led to us creating Cuil Press in the first place.

I think that’s enough.

Blog posts related to this resolution will be about editing, marketing, small business, the publishing industry, and other related stuff.

Generational Home: the gang’s all here

Today we’re talking about another one of those lifetime resolutions — having a generational home. I want to live with as many of my US family as possible. I don’t expect to get everyone under one roof, if only because my girlfriend is more of a loner. But we have… Call it a core group of five of us and our kids who want to all live together. And maybe others in time.

Personally, I’m flexible on the how. One big house, tiny apartment building we own together, cohousing set up, I can work with any of it. Just so we are all together.

We’re already working towards it

I’m really excited that we may be taking some big steps closer to this goal. If all goes well, by this time next year, everyone in that core group will be living in the same locality. Michael’s girlfriend and her grandmother will be moving in May, and the other night my cuilmate told me that hir goal is to move within the year, along with hir coparent and kids. (Coparent wasn’t expecting to move so soon, but is mostly on board.)

In my dreams

Ideally (there’s that word again) this would be more than the five of us. It would be (as the name says) a generational home, including girlfriend’s grandmother and my kid’s adopted grandma, Michael’s brother and Mom, and maybe others. It would continue after us. As we get older and step back, our kids or others we invite to join us will step up and, keep the space going.

Ideally, because modern society strains generational families to the breaking point, which is how we ended up with the cultural ideal of the nuclear family in the first place, but we’ll see.

This goal and the Old ‘Woman’ goal are the two that will consume my life. The others all have places where I can say, yeah, I’ve achieved this and I’m stopping now. These goals will only be finished when I pass on responsibility for them to the next generation. Assuming that day ever comes.

Interactive Kinky Fic: an experiment

No blog post today, it’s been a shit week and the grief hit hard.

But I got a bit silly this morning and put a thing up on the Fediverse:

Walking down a residential street, you come across an …. Unusual display. First, stands a sign that reads “Ask — but no touching”. Next to the sign, a naked, blindfolded person hangs from a St. Andrew’s cross.

A few feet past them…

Read the full thing here. And if you have an account on a Fediverse instance, you can reply with what ‘you’ do and see what happens.

Gonna post these interactive kink bits once a week or so for the next month and see how it goes. If there is interest I might keep going.