I said the other day that I’d write a thing about why I gave up on ‘learning’ reading, and in fact almost all reading all together. But time I try to write ‘why’ it ends up sounding like whining. (I’m not in a healthy place right now, but then very few of us are).
So here’s the short version:
I was a shithead and turned my back on one of my core principles. I let myself be convinced that growth was ultimately impossible. That people really can’t change, and there was no point trying to educate myself or anyone else. I’d already given up the education activism I spent most of the past decade and a half on, for similar reasons. Giving up my reading was just the next shitty step in a path I didn’t consciously realize I was following. I had nothing to say, I had nothing worth saying, because I was a shit person who would never free myself of my bigotry and it didn’t matter anyway because even if I had anything to say, no one else would ever change anyway.
God it hurts typing that. Admitting that. `
That for all the stubbornness I’m so proud of, I was that willing to give up. That for all my commitment to growth, I was willing to accept stagnation.
The worst part is that on some level, I still believe it. I still don’t see the point in trying.
But I’ve got my feet under me again. I remember who I am and what I am committed to.
And there being ‘no point’ has never stopped me before.
It’s time to start growing again, start writing again, start making a difference again.
It’s time to be me again.