Tag: Pregnancy

Polyamory and Pregnancy: When Primaries Have Children

Jess Mahler6 Comments

Minor edits here. This post references a post about an earlier post about secondary partner’s becoming pregnant. That post needs a complete re-write and will (hopefully) be up sometime next week. Revised Feb 15, 2017

This isn’t one that generates the sheer Google traffic of a secondary partner getting pregnant, but I think it deserves just as much attention.

The thing is, hierarchical relationships tend to focus on what affects the primary partners. Of course, everyone fully sympathizes when a secondary partner becomes pregnant and the primary is floundering to figure out how to handle it. However, a secondary who finds out their partner is having a baby with their partner’s primary is affected as well. (For this post I will be referring to ’primary relationships’ as opposed to ’primary couples’. Some people have primary triads, quads or other set ups)

Like many things, I’d like to think it is self-evident that a primary relationship that decides to try to have a child should inform their secondaries. (It’s part of that whole ’open and honest communication thing’). However, even if every primary relationship in the world did this, there would still be the unplanned and expected pregnancies.

Every polyam relationship is different, and “primary” and “secondary” are used for such a wide variety of arrangements. So these situations can vary widely. The primary partners could discuss the possibility of a pregnancy with their secondary(s), asking their opinion and approval. They could inform the secondary(s) of their decision. And sometimes they inform the secondary(s) that they are seeking children and have decided to end all secondary relationships.

Personally, I think that last is a shit thing to do, but some people do it. And it is their right to end their relationships anytime they want for any reason (or no reason).

Equally, some secondaries won’t care what the primary partners do or decide, some will have very strong feelings/opinions, and some may feel threatened or left out. Caught on the outside looking in.

If you are a secondary partner in this situation, a pregnancy in a primary relationship will affect your relationship with your partner(s). But it doesn’t have to be a negative effect. Your SO(s) will need a great deal of support and help, especially at the end of the pregnancy and right after the child is born.

If you choose to back away from the pregnancy as ’something that doesn’t involve you’, then your relationship will definitely lose intensity. It may end as the baby becomes a major focus of their time and energy. This can be healthy, if the relationship has run its course and you are ready to move on, or if you decide it is the best thing for you. Or it can be unhealthy if you feel resentful of the ’wedge’ that the pregnancy has driven in your relationship(s).

However, you can choose to be involved as a friend. If you do, you can offer to help with transport to doctor’s appointments, help set up the nursery, or babysit (or help with the dishes) so baby’s parents can get a break. If you do this, then the pregnancy and child can become not something that drives a wedge in the relationship, but another way to have a relationship.

If you are a part of the primary relationship in this situation, try to keep your secondary(s) in the communication loop. Maybe they want to be involved on some level, maybe they don’t. Maybe you want them involved, maybe you don’t. IMO, within reason, the pregnant person should get what they want during pregnancy (they’re the one going through hell). But be considerate of the other people who are affected.

All of this is pretty much the same if the pregnancy is unexpected, except that it’ll be coming at everyone as a surprise. As I believe I’ve mentioned in earlier posts; take your time deciding how you feel about it, and don’t make any major decisions immediately. You usually have nine months or so to figure everything out.

This post is part of the Polyamory and Pregnancy blog series.

Polyamory and Pregnancy: Planning for the Unexpected

Jess Mahler1 Comment

Revised 11/6/16. Minor updates here, fixed some typos and that kind of thing.

I ran across a discussion on a polyamory forum once where a woman said she absolutely could not deal with the possibility of her husband getting someone else pregnant. A bunch of people were trying to reassure her of how unlikely it was, how with birth control, yadda yadda yadda.

They were right, but they were also wrong. There is no 100% foolproof method of birth control. Would be great if there was, and maybe one day we’ll get one. IUDs and implants seem to be heading in the right direction, but we aren’t there yet. There is no perfect birth control. Accepting that is part of accepting a polyamorous relationship.

Because pregnancy can be so life changing, it is important to discuss what you and your partners will do in the event of an unexpected pregnancy.

 

polyamory unexpected pregnancy
It can happen to just about anyone.

Each relationship will have to work out for themselves what options and possibilities they need to discuss. A lot of things will be specific to different polyamory relationship styles (a polyfi family that lives together, doesn’t need to worry about a secondary who lives across the country getting pregnant after a visit) and it would take several dozen blog posts to cover all the possibilities. But here are a few considerations to start you off:

Obviously, abortion is the mother’s decision. Knowing if they might want an abortion gives a starting point for the rest of the discussion. All the following assumes that the mother does not wish to abort.

  • If you have more than one relationship (primary/secondary, DADT, polyamorous networks, etc), discuss options with each relationship separately.
  • Potential mothers – there is no guarantee you will even be able to guess who the father is. Think about that.
  • Other potential parents – if your primary gets pregnant it WILL affect your secondary. And vise versa. Discuss it with them individually. (This applies whether or not you have a hierarchy, whether or not you live together. Do not kid yourself, life will not go on as normal if there is a baby on the way, it will affect ALL your relationships.)
  • I shouldn’t need to say it, but potential mothers, if you get pregnant it will affect all of your relationships, regardless of who may or may not be the other bio parent.

There is a lot to think about, and you don’t need to hash over everything down to what hospital you’d want to give birth at. If all you say is ‘How would we handle it?’ ’I don’t know, but we’d find a way,’ you both (all) know that you are aware of the possibility, and no one is likely to utterly freak out if it happens. That’s enough.

It should go without saying that ‘How would we handle it?’ ‘I refuse to discuss it because you will not let it happen.’ is an indication that you have a lot more to talk about it, though not necessarily regarding pregnancy.

What do you think needs to be considered when discussing an unexpected pregnancy in a polyamorous relationship? Please leave a comment with your ideas.

Originally posted June 30, 2011

 

Polyamory and Pregnancy

Jess Mahler

Revised 10/18/16. Not much changed here, though I did update the description of how pregnancy affects me and add the note on terminology at the bottom. Unfortunately, I was not aware of trans issues when I first wrote this series, so I’ll be changing terms as we go. Also some grammar fixes. And I have four kids now. Ironically, these updated posts will be going up Tuesdays, not the Thursdays of the original pregnancy series.

As a mother of three, recently postpartum, I can safely say pregnancy is a major, life-altering, relationship changing, huge-as-the-Mariana Trench deal. Bookstores have entire sections about pregnancy, and magazines are written just for pregnant mothers. We have one entire industry devoted to preventing pregnancy and another to helping people get pregnant.

And I promise, when you are throwing up from morning sickness (or holding your partner’s hair while they throw up) is not the time to deal with relationships gone haywire because you’re not sure who the father is! (Every person is different, and I make no claims to speak for every pregnancy experience. In my case, pregnancies trigger massive depression with all the associated problems. I warn people when I get pregnant that I will be insane for the next 9 months. They never believe me. NOT a good time to try to sort out major life issues whether it’s a relationship problem or a big move.)

That said, pregnancy in polyamory is just too huge for me to discuss in one post or one dozen posts. So, I’m going to try to expand my posting a bit. In addition to Sunday posts, I’ll be posting every Thursday about pregnancy in polyam relationships.

Thursday topics will include:

  • Planning for pregnancy
  • Coping with unexpected pregnancies
  • Contraceptives
  • Prenatal care with multiple partners
  • Birth planning with multiple partners
  • Living arrangements during pregnancy
  • And anything else I can think of that might be relevant, useful, or interesting to a poly relationship dealing with, or preparing to deal with, pregnancy.

Note on terminology: throughout this series, I will refer to people who are pregnant as “mothers” and everyone else as “parents” or “potential parents” regardless of gender. I realize this isn’t a perfect approach, but it’s the best I have at the moment. When I need refer specifically to the people who create a pregnancy, I’ll say “bio parents.” Readers are welcome to suggest alternatives.

Click here for the full list of polyamory and pregnancy blog posts.