Ethical NonMonogamy > Polyamory

Ethical nonmonogamy is more than polyamory.

I doubt this is news to anyone actively following my blog, but it’s something of a pet peeve of mine.

Mainstream media and, by extension, many monogamous folks have taken to either

  1. Using ‘polyamory’ as a stand-in for ethical nonmonogamy or
  2. Speaking as if polyamory is the ONLY kind of ethical nonmonogamy.

At best, this is leading to a situation where swinging, open relationships, relationship anarchy, ethical polygamy, etc, etc, are all treated as sub-sets of polyamory. At worst, other nonmonogamous folks will be forgotten or talked over. Hell, they already are. It’ll just get worse.

Polyamory Is becoming the New ‘Gay’

We’ve seen the same issue before in the LGBT+ community. Where ‘gay’ became the stand-in for everyone under the umbrella AND a term specifically for homosexual men. As frustrating as it was, it was somewhat understandable as there was no actual umbrella term.

These days there sorta is one — more and more folks are using ‘queer’ as that umbrella term, though not with anywhere near universal acceptance.

Ethical nonmonogamy already has a perfectly good umbrella term — ethical nonmonogamy.

Hell, why not just ‘nonmonogamy’?

Why do we need to keep proclaiming our ethicalness? It’s not like monogamous folks go around talking about ‘ethical monogamy’ to differentiate themselves from all those unethical monogamists. (There are a LOT of those, you know.)

NonMonogamy. It works. It’s a perfectly good word whose meaning people either know or can figure out just from looking at it.

Not-Monogamy. See. Easy.

Yes, It Matters

There’s a reason my latest book wasn’t called ‘NonMonogamy and Kink’. I was talking specifically about polyamory and polyamorous culture and how it can mesh with kink and kinky culture. Polyamorous culture is different from swinging culture. Swingers may get some benefit from reading Polyamory and Kink, but I don’t know swinging culture. I’ve never been part of it. I don’t know what (if any) unique problems swingers might have adding kink to their relationships.

And that’s okay! Maybe if there are real issues, a kinky swinger will write their own book about it.

It’s not okay when magazine articles and major media blogs and other stuff act like (ethical) nonmonogamy=polyamory.

It doesn’t.

Nonmonogamy is more than polyamory.

And I think that’s pretty cool.

Marginalized Polya People

Updated version of an article first published on Postmodern Woman.

What does polyamory look like when you’re poor or disabled? How do you maintain autonomy and independence when you require specific care or assistance? How do you have safe, kinky, enjoyable sex when you’re allergic to latex or have a condition that leaves your body racked in pain?

Other than being in the minority categories for my aromanticism, relationship anarchy, kinkiness, genderqueerness, pansexuality, noetisexuality, and being Black, there are other specific ways in which my polyamory does not fit into the norm. There are other considerations to make and reinterpretations of many actions and freedoms that many polya people take for granted.

The average polya person in the limelight (with the exception of Kevin Patterson’s Poly Role Models) is well-off, white or white-adjacent, and normally healthy. Solo polyamorists constantly talk about autonomy, lack of enmeshment, and independence and other polyamorists set up visits with ease. Yet there are huge and gaping holes in the polya and non-monogamous relationship conversation. Very few people know what life is like for those that fall through the cracks. There aren’t many stories of the poor, the marginalized, and the mentally or physically ill and how they navigate healthy, fulfilling multiple relationships. I’ve seen a lot of polya people say that they wouldn’t date someone with a mental disorder.

There are many people that I know who are polya and have less than perfect health. A friend of mine was recently diagnosed as autistic and has been experiencing close-mindedness and ignorance in the poly and kink communities. A blogger I follow has borderline personality disorder and writes deeply moving posts about his experiences in relationships from his unique perspective. I’ve been writing stories (and “living the life”) for nearly 20 years about the people you never hear about in the media, the situations that rarely get discussed elsewhere, and the ways that these unique people handle their circumstances.
Being poor or disabled can present their own obstacles for expressing one’s polyamorous leanings. There aren’t as many resources for people like me. But as the more visible polyamorous communities create new resources and expand the social narrative, so it is my hope that more people of color, people allergic to weird things, and those who aren’t the epitome of health can share and create resources to generate understanding, education, and community as well.
Nearly every relationship you have when you’re poor is like a long-distance relationship, or at least that’s been my experience. Unless you live in the same neighborhood regular travel and conferences and outings can become prohibitively expensive. Technology helps if you can afford it or have access to it.

You learn to treasure the moments you can be together all the more. You learn to be okay with being alone most of the time. You definitely learn to appreciate the little things. And you know with absolute certainty that you may not have all of your needs met. It takes a special kind of patience and maturity to deal with the cancelled dates, limits on time, and isolation that come so much more often when you’re poor and/or spoonie. I liken being poor to being in emergency mode more often than not.

Where the executive with a harried day has the opportunity and money to relax and unwind, the poor and disabled person has no access to the typical means with which to relieve their stress. When you don’t have the money or the means you have to get creative. When you’re not healthy you have to accept that there are times when you have to put down your superman cape and allow someone to help you and accept some entwinement, even if others label it enmeshment or dependency. Poor health and the higher possibility of an emergency can make the poor, Black, and unwell seem like high risk partners for other polya people.
Try to imagine the looks you’d get when you say you can’t use the condom your partner has brought because you’re allergic to latex. You either rush around in an effort to find the much less effective (and harder to find) non-latex condoms, call it off, or go through with it without a condom and hope that the STI test results are still accurate. I also have Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder and endometriosis and polycystic ovarian syndrome (PCOS), which leave me subfertile — and less worried about accidental pregnancy — yet simultaneously leave me in pain more often than not.

There are times when, even if I want rougher sex, my partners have to be gentle. There’s nothing wrong with pain when you want it but the pain caused by those conditions is not the fun kind – and I’m not that kind of masochist. My PCOS and PMDD cause anxiety, which can lead to more stress, which can lead to a worsening of my conditions. These kinds of illnesses have no cure and anyone with a long-term illness knows that we have to find alternative and healthy ways to deal with them and lessen their impact on our lives. Unfortunately, the majority of people know nothing about it and when they can’t physically see what’s wrong with you it can breed resentment, disbelief, and dismissal.

It’s not all doom and gloom, though. You find out fairly quickly who is dependable and who is not, who is simply there for fun and who’d like to be around for a while, who is actively dedicated to anti-racism, who can healthily deal with stress and who cracks under the slightest pressure. You find support you never expected from the strangest places, you learn not to take anything for given or granted, and it makes effective communication all the more important.
Some people will see these things as obstacles or reasons not to be polya. They don’t exactly fit the “perfect polya” narrative (unless you realize that aros tend to have jealousy and compersion down pat!). But no matter who you are, life is usually only as difficult as you make it.