What You Will: A Queer-er Shakespeare (Series Finale)

I am so sorry, folks. Life went to hell in January and I completely forgot that I never scheduled this for y’all to enjoy. Anyway. Here it is finally. The finale.

Season Content Notes: Revenge plot, violence, boundary violations, sexual harassment, ableist language, blood, misgendering, self-misgendering

When Duke Orsino finally released Cesario, there was an apology in his eyes as he said, “I shall need to see thee in thy woman’s weeds.”

Cesario searched his face and nodded. To the duke, he could remain himself, but for a wedding… “The captain that did bring me first on shore hath my maid’s garments. He upon some action is now in durance, at Malvolio’s suit, a gentleman, and follower of my lady’s.”

“He shall enlarge him,” the countess said quickly. She was a tad eager to get the whole matter resolved so her embarrassment could be forgotten. But she also smiled happily at Sebastian, then shyly at Antonio, and so could not be too put out. “And yet, alas, now I remember me, they say, poor gentleman, he’s much distract.” She shook her head as the Fool and Fabian returned from within the manor. “A most extracting frenzy of mine own,” she blushed but did not look away from her new husband and his friend, “From my remembrance clearly banish’d his. How does he, sirrah?”

The Fool, with mock solemnity, bowed down and held out a dirty letter. “Truly, madam, he holds Belzebub at the stave’s end as well as a man in his case may do: has here writ a letter to you. I should have given’t you to-day morning, but as a madman’s epistles are no gospels, so it skills not much when they are delivered.”

Olivia flapped her hand at the Fool, “Open’t, and read it.” Only half paying attention, she held her other hand out to Sebastian and blushed again when he took it — still holding tight to Antonio.

The Fool opened the letter and cleared his throat, taking a firm stance as one making a great announcement. “Look then to be well edified when the fool delivers the madman.” Taking a great breath, he declaimed “‘By the Lord, madam,’–”

“How now!” the countess interrupted, glaring at him. “Art thou mad?”

“No, madam, I do but read madness. An your ladyship will have it as it ought to be, you must allow Vox.”

“Prithee, read i’ thy right wits.”

The Fool bowed again, with an extra flourish this time. “So I do, madonna; but to read his right wits is to read thus. Therefore perpend, my princess, and give ear.”

With a sigh, Oliva turned to Fabian, standing by the Fool. “Read it you, sirrah.”

Obediently, Fabian took the letter and began to read. “‘By the Lord, madam, you wrong me, and the world shall know it. Though you have put me into darkness and given your drunken cousin rule over me, yet have I the benefit of my senses as well as your ladyship. I have your own letter that induced me to the semblance I put on; with the which I doubt not but to do myself much right, or you much shame. Think of me as you please. I leave my duty a little unthought of and speak out of my injury. THE MADLY-USED MALVOLIO.'”

The man did a serviceable job of reading, though without the heart and sinew the text required.

Ignoring the lack, the countess asked, “Did he write this?”

“Ay, madam,” the Fool assured her.

Pulling Cesario with him, the duke stepped forward. “This savours not much of distraction.”

“See him deliver’d, Fabian,” Olivia ordered, “bring him hither.”

Fabian left, and the countess turned the duke warily. “My lord, so please you, these things further thought on,” she began, “To think me as well a sister,” she smiled, somewhat awkwardly, at Cesario, “as a wife. One day shall crown the alliance on’t, so please you, here at my house and at my proper cost.”

“Madam, I am most apt to embrace your offer.”

Orsino turned to Cesario. “Your master quits you. And for your service done him, so much against the grain of your upbringing, and since you call’d me master for so long, here is my hand.” He held out his hand to match his words. One paying attention would have seen that he did not offer his hand as a gallant does to a woman, palm up. Rather he held his hand vertically for a proper clasp. Cesario looked at that hand, then looked at Orsino, a question in his eyes. Orsino nodded, and Cesario reached out his hand in return to clasp it strongly. The duke pulled Cesario into a tight hug and murmured into his hair, “You shall from this time be your master’s lord.”

Lady Olivia, distracted or perhaps not inclined to call attention to any more unusual happenings, walked up to Cesario with open arms saying, “A sister! you are she.”

The duke did not quite glare at her, but Cesario allowed the embrace.

A commotion came from the house announcing the return of Fabian, with a much battered and reduced Malvolio.

“Is this the madman?” Orsino asked.

“Ay, my lord, this same.” Olivia cautiously approached her steward, “How now, Malvolio!”

“Madam, you have done me wrong,” he cried, “Notorious wrong.”

“Have I, Malvolio? no.”

“Lady, you have.” He pulled out a dirty, wrinkled letter and shoved it at her. “Pray you, peruse that letter. You must not now deny it is your hand. Write from it, if you can, in hand or phrase, or say ’tis not your seal, nor your invention. You can say none of this.” He pulled himself as best he could and glared at her while she read the letter Maria had left for him so long ago.

“Well, grant it then and tell me, in the modesty of honour, why you have given me such clear lights of favour, bade me come smiling and cross-garter’d to you, to put on yellow stockings and to frown upon Sir Toby and the lighter people. And, acting this in an obedient hope, why have you suffer’d me to be imprison’d, kept in a dark house, visited by the priest, and made the most notorious geck and gull that e’er invention play’d on?” Tears cut tracks through the dirt on his face as he pleaded, “tell me why.”

“Alas, Malvolio, this is not my writing, though, I confess, much like the character but out of question ’tis Maria’s hand.”

Unwilling to let the matter play out further, Fabian and the Fool confessed their parts in the prank gone much too far. Malvolio’s cruelty had turned back on him tenfold. Justly angry, Malvolio stormed away, crying, “I’ll be revenged on the whole pack of you.”

Glaring at Fabian and her Fool, Olivia said, “He hath been most notoriously abused.”

“Pursue him and entreat him to a peace,” Orsino ordered, shaking his head. He took Cesario’s hands between his own. “He hath not told us of the captain yet. When that is known and golden time convents, a solemn combination shall be made of our dear souls.” He smiled at Oliva, who had herself returned to Sebastian and was commanding the release of Antonio. “Meantime, sweet sister, we will not part from hence.”

On another day, the countess might have objected to his presumptuous demand upon her hospitality. But she saw the joy in Sebastian’s face still at the sight of his lost sister and said nothing.

“Cesario, come,” the duke said, leading the way toward the manor. “For so you shall be, while you are a man. And when in other habits you must hide, in our hearts the truth will bide.”

The others followed the happy couple into the manor, leaving the clown alone in the courtyard. The rest of the day, the Fool watched as Stewards and knights left, captains arrived, and priests were once more put to work. The whole time singing softly to himself:

When that I was and a little tiny boy,

With hey, ho, the wind and the rain,

A foolish thing was but a toy,

For the rain it raineth every day.

But when I came to man’s estate,

With hey, ho, the wind and the rain,

‘Gainst knaves and thieves men shut their gate,

For the rain it raineth every day.

But when I came, alas! to wive,

With hey, ho, the wind and the rain,

By swaggering could I never thrive,

For the rain it raineth every day.

But when I came unto my beds,

With hey, ho, the wind and the rain,

With toss-pots still had drunken heads,

For the rain it raineth every day.

A great while ago the world begun,

With hey, ho, the wind and the rain,

But that’s all one, our play is done,

And we’ll strive to please you every day.


A bit of queer history:

In Shakespearean England, it was surprisingly common for two women to get married. Such marriages were illegal, though. What would happen was one of the couple would dress up as a man, take a man’s name and legal identity, and they would (either in secret or with a nudge-nudge-wink-wink to their family and friends) go to church and get married. Most historians have viewed this as a practical way for women didn’t want to get married to maintain their independence — without a legally recognized ‘man’ women’s ability to support themselves was practically non-existent.

We can be sure that some portion of those women really did want those marriages. And likely some number of those ‘men’, really were men.


I hope you enjoyed this queer take on Cesario, Orsino, and all their family.

Up next (as you’ve probably noticed) is Season 3 of Planting Life in a Dying City

What You Will: A Queer-er Shakespeare (S2, E13)

Season Content Notes: Revenge plot, violence, boundary violations, sexual harassment, ableist language, blood, misgendering, self-misgendering

There is never a good time for anyone to come staggering in, bloody and calling for a surgeon. When a secret marriage — secret even to one of the people supposedly married! — is in the middle of tearing relationships apart and spawning screaming matches… well, it isn’t a good time, but in an odd way, everyone was a little bit relieved by the interruption.

Countess Olivia reluctantly dropped Cesario’s hand and moved toward Sir Andrew — though staying well out of reach. “What’s the matter?”

“He has broke my head across,” Sir Andrew moaned, digging out a handkerchief and holding it to the bleeding gash on his head. “And has given Sir Toby a bloody coxcomb too: for the love of God, your help! I had rather than forty pound I were at home.”

The wound was more blood than matter, for all that Sir Andrew seemed to think he was on death’s door.

The countess signaled for one of the servants to go for the surgeon and continued trying to get information out of the not-so-doughty knight. “Who has done this, Sir Andrew?”

Sir Andrew’s handkerchief was doing not much more than smearing the blood around. He fumbled to fold it, seeking a clean side. “The count’s gentleman, one Cesario.” If Sir Andrew had been less self-absorbed he might have noticed the sudden stillness surrounding him. “We took him for a coward, but he’s the very devil incardinate.”

“My gentleman, Cesario?” Duke Orsino, at his mercurial best, took two long strides to stand protectively between Cesario and the (to him) strange knight.

” ‘Od’s lifelings, here he is!” Sir Andrew jumped half a foot in the air and stumbled backward, holding up his hands in a warding gesture. “You broke my head for nothing; and that that I did, I was set on to do’t by Sir Toby.”

Cesario had had, one must admit, a very bad day. There is a point in time when one must choose: one can break down crying, break down laughing, or break down screaming. But one will break down.

Stepping around the duke, with a boldness that shocked the duke and his retinue (but was the first thing that made sense to poor Antonio) Cesaro advanced on Sir Andrew. At full volume. “Why do you speak to me? I never hurt you! You,” a finger stabbed Sir Andrew in the chest as he nearly tripped trying to get away, “drew your sword upon me without cause. But I bespoke you fair, and hurt you not.”

Sir Andrew backed away from physical confrontation with commendable speed, but his speech was as loud as Cesario’s. “If a bloody coxcomb be a hurt, you have hurt me! I think you set nothing by a bloody coxcomb.”

Before Cesario could respond, Orsino had him by the arm, pulling him away. When Olivia reached also for Cesario the duke’s expression froze, and he dropped Cesario’s arm as if burnt.

Cesario, on the edge of tears, shrugged away from Olivia and Orsino. He turned his back on the whole mess and everyone who was part of it.

Before either duke or countess could respond, Sir Toby came stumbling, clutching a wound on his side that was staining his jacket red.

Sir Andrew saw him and gestured. “Here comes Sir Toby halting; you shall hear more! But if he had not been in drink, he would have tickled you othergates than he did.”

Cautiously, still baffled as to what was going on, Orsino asked, “How now, gentleman! how is’t with you?”

“That’s all one.” Sir Toby Shrugged.”Has hurt me, and there’s the end on’t.” He turned to the Fool and asked, “Sot, didst see Dick surgeon, sot?”

“O, he’s drunk, Sir Toby,” the Fool replied with false solicitude, “an hour agone. His eyes were set at eight i’ the morning.”

“Then he’s a rogue, and a scoundrel! I hate a drunken rogue.” Sir Toby stomped toward the manor.

Oliva stared after him in wonder. “Who hath made this havoc with them?”

“I’ll help you, Sir Toby,” Sir Andrew called, hurrying after, “because we’ll be dressed together.”

Why it was at that moment Sir Toby lost all patience with Sir Andrew, who can say? But he did, calling his erstwhile companion the most wretched names. “Will you help?” he demanded, “an ass-head and a coxcomb and a knave, a thin-faced knave, a gull!”

“Get him to bed,” Olivia ordered, cutting off whatever response or defense Sir Andrew might have made, “and let his hurt be look’d to.”

The Fool and Fabian escorted the two knights away, leaving the garden much quieter.

But scarcely was the door closed behind them, when someone else can running up.

“I am sorry, madam,” Sebastian said, taking Olivia’s hand to kiss it. “I have hurt your kinsman. But, had it been the brother of my blood, I must have done no less with wit and safety.”

Olivia barely heard a word out of Sebastian’s mouth, being too busy staring at him in shock. Sebastian squeezed her hand in concern. “You throw a strange regard upon me, and by that I do perceive it hath offended you. Pardon me, sweet one, even for the vows we made each other but so late ago.”

Of course, it wasn’t only Olivia who was shocked. The Duke, looking to Cesario, spoke what all were thinking. “One face, one voice, one habit, and two persons. A natural perspective, that is and is not!”

Sebastian looked over at the duke’s words but did not respond. Perhaps he had been so inundated with confusing and nonsensical things that he had ceased to concern himself.

What did concern Sebastian was the familiar face he saw standing near Orsino — Antonio, still held between two guardsmen. “Antonio, O my dear Antonio!” he ran over to his friend and lover and embraced him. “How have the hours rack’d and tortured me, since I have lost thee!”

If he had been expecting an equally enthusiastic greeting from Antonio, he was to be disappointed. Antonio pulled away from Sebastian and looked at him as if were a stranger. “Sebastian are you?” he demanded.

“Fear’st thou that, Antonio?” Sebastian laughed, but the laugh was strained.

Gesturing with his chin to where Cesario still stood off, Antonio asked, “How have you made division of yourself? An apple, cleft in two, is not more twin than these two creatures.” Almost plaintively, “Which is Sebastian?”

“Most wonderful!” Olivia murmured, staring between the two.

Sebastian turned and froze. “Do I stand there?” He shook his head and took a step closer to the stranger, who still had not seen him. “I never had a brother; nor can there be that deity in my nature, of here and every where. I had a sister, whom the blind waves and surges have devour’d.”

If anyone had been paying attention (which of course no one was) they might have seen Orsino’s eyes narrow at this last.

Oblivious, Sebastian raised to voice. “Of charity, what kin are you to me?” Cesario turned, and his eyes widened. “What countryman?” Sebastian asked, “What name? what parentage?”

“Of Messaline,” Cesario answered. “Sebastian was my father. Such a Sebastian was my brother too.” He plucked at his suit, modeled on the one Sebastian had always preferred to wear — was wearing now even. “So went he suited to his watery tomb.” He — no, she, for if this was true Cesario must be she again, and the agony of that battled with the hope and joy in her heart. She had sworn that she never again answer to ‘Viola’ unless the dead walked the earth, and… “If spirits can assume both form and suit you come to fright us.”

“A spirit I am indeed,” Sebastian said with a watery smile, “But am in that dimension grossly clad, which from the womb I did participate.” He took a breath and another step toward Cesario, who still had not moved. His eyes moved over the figure, remembering all the times he and his sister had disguised themselves as each other. “Were you a woman, as the rest goes even, I should my tears let fall upon your cheek, and say ‘Thrice-welcome, drowned Viola!’ ”

She opened her mouth, but couldn’t bring herself to say it. But she had to say something. “My father had a mole upon his brow.”

“And so had mine.”

“And died that day when Viola from her birth, had number’d thirteen years.” There, she’d said it. She’d said the name. Sebastian’s eyes lit up with joy even as Cesario struggled to breathe.

“O, that record is lively in my soul! He finished indeed his mortal act that day that made my sister thirteen years.”

“If nothing lets to make us happy both,” Happy. How could she be so happy and so destroyed? “But this my masculine… usurp’d attire, do not embrace me till each circumstance of place, time, fortune, do cohere and jump that I am,” she stopped, swallowed, “Viola.” Sebastian reached out then and wrapped her in his arms. She hugged him back, relaxing in the safety she had not known for three months or more. Her tears fell on his chest even as his dripped into her hair.

When she finally pulled away she glanced at Orsino. There was something in his eyes, something hot and hard that she could not yet face. Dropping her eyes she said, “Which to confirm, I’ll bring you to a captain in this town, where lie my maiden weeds. By his gentle help, I was preserved to serve this noble count. All the occurrence of my fortune since hath been between this lady and this lord.”

His attention once again directed to Olivia — to his wife of all three hours — Sebastian looked to see the stunned, almost horrified, look she wore. A great deal of the past week’s confusion suddenly came clear.

Giving Viola a last squeeze he turned to his lady and offered his hand. “So comes it, lady, you have been mistook: but nature to her bias drew in that.” He chuckled and leaned to whisper in her ear, “You would have been contracted to a maid.” She jumped and finally turned to look at him, a plea in her eyes. He answered that plea, bending to kiss her. “Nor are you therein, by my life, deceived, you are betroth’d both to a maid and man.” He grinned cheekily at her and she surprised herself by laughing.

Duke Orsino has a well-earned reputation for being less than steadfast. But in one thing he was true — the giving of his heart. So some might have been surprised by how he smiled at the new couple. True of heart, yes, but not hard-hearted. And with some measure of wisdom. To Olivia, he said only, “Be not amazed; right noble is his blood.” Then he looked to Sebastian and with raised eyebrows and a slight question in his voice continued, “If this be so, as yet the glass seems true, I shall have share in this most happy wreck.”

Sebastian and the duke looked at each other for a long moment. Then, Sebastian nodded. Orsino returned the nod and walked over to the one he had known only as Cesario.

In his heart alone could Orsino be relied upon, and that heart spoke true. He put a hand under a chin, urged eyes soft with tears up to look at him. And said one word. “Boy.”

Viola — Cesario — took a sudden breath, as one released from too-tight clothing. She — he — clung to the duke with his eyes, begging for something he dared not say.

In the background, one might have heard an old retainer mutter a quiet prayer of thanksgiving.

“Boy,” he repeated, “thou hast said to me a thousand times thou never shouldst love woman like to me.”

“And all those sayings will I overswear, and those swearings keep as true in soul.”

“Give me thy hand,” Orsino asked gently. Cesario gave it, and for a long moment, they clung together, like survivors of a shipwreck.

What You Will: A Queer-er Shakespeare (S2, E12)

Season Content Notes: Revenge plot, violence, boundary violations, sexual harassment, ableist language

 

Lady Olivia swept into the garden with all the hauteur of an Empress. There was only one thing she had ever wanted of the duke, and now she had it. Or so she thought. “What would my lord, but that he may not have, wherein Olivia may seem serviceable?” As she spoke, she saw Cesario standing with the duke, and shock cost her that regal mien. With plaintive anger, she said to him, “Cesario, you do not keep promise with me.”

“Madam!” Cesario responded, confused and somewhat offended. After all, he had told her time and time again that would give her no promise nor anything but word of Orsino’s courtship.

Politely ignoring the countess’ discourtesy, Orsino began, “Gracious Olivia,–”

But the lady spoke over him, “What do you say, Cesario? Good my lord,–”

Cesario flushed with embarrassment and anger. He stepped back, away from Olivia, saying, “My lord would speak; my duty hushes me.”

Olivia stared at him in hurt surprise, then turned to Orsino, saying disdainfully, “If it be aught to the old tune, my lord, it is as fat and fulsome to mine ear as howling after music.”

“Still so cruel?” the duke demanded.

With a sniff, Olivia turned away, looking again to Cesario, “Still so constant, lord.”

“What, to perverseness?” Orsino almost looked like he would stamp his foot as a child, but he restrained himself. When spoke again, it was in a harsh whisper, “You uncivil lady, to whose ingrate and unauspicious altars my soul the faithfull’st offerings hath breathed out that e’er devotion tender’d!” He too turned away, asking the air, “What shall I do?”

What might have happened then, had the countess replied civilly? Given the duke’s protean nature, who can say? But Olivia, tired from long months for the duke’s relentless suit, could not resist turning the knife. With a wave of her hand, as if throwing something away, she sneered. “Even what it please my lord, that shall become him.”

The duke whirled around, grabbed Cesario’s tunic, and pulled him close. The surprise might have knocked Cesario off his feet had he not gone willingly, always swayed to his master’s bidding. The duke growled at Olivia, “Why should I not, had I the heart to do it, like to the Egyptian thief at point of death, kill what I love?” Had any been looking, they might have seen the joy which shined in Cesario’s eyes. The way Valentine to the back quietly covered his face and sighed. But neither Orsino nor Olivia saw. “Tis a savage jealousy that sometimes savours nobly. But hear me this: Since you to non-regardance cast my faith, and that I partly know the instrument that screws me from my true place in your favour, live you the marble-breasted tyrant still.”

The duke turned then to look at Cesario, who still relaxed in Orsino’s grasp, unconcerned by his master’s anger. Orsino’s voice softened and seemed to become almost a caress. “But this your minion, whom I know you love, and whom,” if possible, the duke’s voice dipped softer and he and Cesario seemed to sway together, until barely a breath was between them, “by heaven I swear, I tender dearly, him–” facing Olivia again, yelling, “– will I tear out of that cruel eye, where he sits crowned in his master’s spite.”

He released Cesario’s tunic to grab his hand. “Come, boy, with me; my thoughts are ripe in mischief. I’ll sacrifice the lamb that I do love, to spite a raven’s heart within a dove.”

“And I,” Cesario replied, grasping Orsino’s hand strongly in return, “most jocund, apt and willingly, to do you rest, a thousand deaths would die.” (In the rear, something almost like hope lit Valentinian’s eyes.)

Olivia, who had been unmoved by the duke’s posturing, shrieked as Cesario spoke and turned to leave with Orsino. “Where goes Cesario?”

Cesario looked at Olivia over his shoulder, braced himself a moment, and finally said, “After him I love.” Releasing his self-imposed restrictions, he put all his heart into his words, “More than I love these eyes, more than my life, more, by all mores, than e’er I shall love wife.” The duke, hearing this, stopped and stared at Cesario, shock, and question in his eyes. Looking away from Olivia, Cesario caught the duke’s eyes and swallowed. Then continued, “If I do feign, you witnesses above punish my life for tainting of my love!”

With another shriek, Olivia threw herself at Cesario, pulling him away from the duke, shaking him, “Ay me, detested! how am I beguiled!”

Cesario, who despite the broken moment was concerned for Olivia and her strange behavior took her hands and squeezed them. “Who does beguile you? who does do you wrong?”

“Hast thou forgot thyself?” Olivia demanded, “is it so long?” She turned to her people saying, “Call forth the holy father.”

Orsino, eyes only on Cesario, said, “Come, away!”

Divided, Cesario turned to go, and Olivia gripped him tighter. “Whither, my lord?” and as he stilled pulled away cried out, “Cesario, husband, stay.”

With a groan of pain, like a great oak falling, Orsino let his hands fall, eyes gone dark. “Husband!”

(Valentine sighed and covered his face again. But had one been standing next to him, they might have thought for a moment that he spoke. “Not again. Blessed God, not again.”)

“Ay, husband: can he that deny?”

“Her husband, sirrah!” the duke demanded of Cesario, but old pain was in his eyes and it was clear he believed it, was pained by it.

Cesario shook Olivia off and grabbed for Orsino’s hand. “No, my lord,” he said, aghast at the very idea, “not I!”

Olivia, blind to the emotions passing between the two men, threw her arms around Cesario. “Alas, it is the baseness of thy fear that makes thee strangle thy propriety. Fear not, Cesario; take thy fortunes up. Be that thou know’st thou art, and then thou art as great as that thou fear’st.”

The priest came hurrying out of the manor and froze at the sight of the strange tablaeu. Seeing him, Olivia let go of Cesario to hurry over. “O, welcome, father!” she cried, “Father, I charge thee, by thy reverence, here to unfold, though lately we intended to keep in darkness, what thou dost know hath newly pass’d between this youth and me.”

The priest was an older man and not inclined to bellow across the courtyard. So he continued walking and did not speak until he stood near to the duke and Cesario.

“Twas a contract of eternal bond of love,” the priest said.

The duke closed his eyes and shoved Cesario away.

“Confirm’d by mutual joinder of your hands,”

Stumbling, Cesario fell to the ground.

“Attested by the holy close of lips,”

The young man did not try to stand but only stared in horror.

“Strengthen’d by interchangement of your rings;”

It could not be, he thought. It was impossible. Was the whole world mad?

“And all the ceremony of this compact seal’d in my function, by my testimony. “Since when, my watch hath told me, toward my grave I have travell’d but two hours.”

Cesario could say nothing, do nothing. No matter how impossible it was, he knew no one would believe him with the word of a priest against him.

Orsino sneered down at him but had any looked closely they might have seen that he blinked several times, as if to clear his eyes. “O thou dissembling cub! what wilt thou be when time hath sow’d a grizzle on thy case? Or will not else thy craft so quickly grow, that thine own trip shall be thine overthrow?” He shook his head and turned away. “Farewell, and take her. But direct thy feet where thou and I henceforth may never meet.”

“My lord,” Cesario surged to his feet, “I do protest–”

Before he could take a single step, Olivia grabbed hold of him, “O, do not swear! Hold little faith, though thou hast too much fear.”

Before Cesario could say anything — could think of anything — Sir Andrew came stumbling in, face covered in blood. “For the love of God, a surgeon! Send one presently to Sir Toby.”

What You Will: A Queer-er Shakespeare (S2, E11)

We’re in the home stretch, only a few episodes left. Hope you’ve enjoyed the ride as much as I have.

Season Content Notes: Revenge plot, violence, boundary violations, sexual harassment, ableist language

The fool and a few gardeners who had the… ah… ill luck to witness Sebastian’s pain had remained behind when he and the countess left to seek the priest. It was these the newly-arrived Duke Orsino addressed, asking, “Belong you to the Lady Olivia, friends?”

“Ay, sir,” the fool replied with a mocking bow, “We are some of her trappings.”

The Duke, well familiar with the fool’s antics, laughed. “I know thee well; how dost thou, my good fellow?”

“Truly, sir, the better for my foes and the worse for my friends.”

“Just the contrary,” the Duke said, “The better for thy friends.”

The fool shook his head sadly, “No, sir, the worse.”

“How can that be?”

“Marry, sir,” the fool replied, clearly surprised at the Duke’s confusion. “My friends praise me and make an ass of me. Now my foes tell me plainly I am an ass: so that by my foes, sir I profit in the knowledge of myself, and by my friends, I am abused. So that, conclusions to be as kisses, if your four negatives make your two affirmatives why then, the worse for my friends and the better for my foes.”

“Why, this is excellent,” Duke Orsino said with another laugh

“By my troth, sir, no; though it please you to be one of my friends.”

“Thou shalt not be the worse for me: there’s gold,” and so saying, Orsino pulled out his purse and gave thrice what the fool had already received from Cesario that day.

Truly, the duke was a rarity. Most wealthy men are so stingy one would think each coin their last. The fool couldn’t resist testing how far Duke Orsino’s generosity went. Taking the coin, he managed a hang-dog look and held his hand spread wide, so the single coin looked small against his palm. “But that it would be double-dealing, sir. I would you could make it another.”

The duke laughed again. His changeable mein, it seemed, wore Janus’ happy face for the day. “O, you give me ill counsel.”

“Put your grace in your pocket, sir, for this once,” the fool said, clasping his hands in prayer, “and let your flesh and blood obey it.” When the fool opened his hands, the coin had disappeared.

“Well, I will be so much a sinner, to be a double-dealer: there’s another.”

The fool took the new coin, and then the first was beside it. The fool counted them off, “Primo, secundo, tertio.” He waved his finger over an empty spot awaiting a third coin, “is a good play; and the old saying is, the third pays for all.”

The duke shook his head but still smiled, “You can fool no more money out of me at this throw.”

The fool opened his mouth to prove the duke wrong, but Orsino held up his hand and waggled his eyebrows — a hideous sight that should never be seen again. “If you will let your lady know I am here to speak with her, and bring her along with you, it may awake my bounty further.”

Smiling now himself, the fool made the two coins he held disappear into his purse and bowed. “Marry, sir, lullaby to your bounty till I come again. I go, sir, let your bounty take a nap, I will awake it anon.”

The fool hurried off, but not so fast that he did not hear Cesario speak behind him: “Here comes the man, sir, that did rescue me.”

And indeed it was, as the fool exited — stage left, if you will — so entered the bold sailor Antonio, still in chains and escorted by two guardsmen.

The duke had, of course, heard of the matter from Cesario. But Cesario’s description had focused on the wonder of a stranger coming to his aid. The moment he saw Antonio’s countenance, all merriment left Orsino’s face. “That face of his I do remember well; Yet, when I saw it last, it was besmear’d as black as Vulcan in the smoke of war.”

The chief officer saluted, saying, “Orsino, this is that Antonio that took the Phoenix and her fraught from Candy. And,” the officer paused in emphasis, “this is he that did the Tiger board, when your young nephew Titus lost his leg. Here in the streets, desperate of shame and state, in private brawl did we apprehend him.”

Cesario watched in concern as Orsino’s face darkened with each word. The duke’s anger to his own was a fearsome thing. To an enemy? Cesario felt some debt to the stranger and stepped forward to stand in front of the duke. “He did me kindness, sir, drew on my side.” Orsino’s eyes focused on Cesario. And as they always did for one moment they swallowed all else. Cesario licked his lips and tried to recall what he had been saying.

Valentine cleared his throat. Loudly. Both Orsino and Cesario jumped, looked away. And Cesario awkwardly finished, “But in conclusion put strange speech upon me. I know not what ’twas but distraction.”

Orsino looking away, had locked eyes this time with Antonio. He gently pushed Cesario aside and advanced on the sailor. His voice, when he spoke, might have been called a growl, save that there was a note of curiosity mixed with the anger. “Notable pirate. Thou salt-water thief. What foolish boldness brought thee to their mercies, whom thou, in terms so bloody and so dear, hast made thine enemies?”

Another man might have stepped back, but Antonio met Orsino’s gaze. His only sign of nerves was that he licked his lips before speaking. “Orsino, noble sir, be pleased that I shake off these names you give me. Antonio never yet was thief or pirate.” He spread his hands, as best he could wearing manacles. “Though I confess, on base and ground enough, Orsino’s enemy.”

He paused as if daring the duke to contradict him. But Orsino, for all his faults, was honest. And after a moment, he gave a brief jerk of a nod.

Antonio returned the nod, took a deep breath, and continued. “A witchcraft drew me hither: that most ingrateful boy there by your side.” He gestured to Cesario, who shook his head in dismay. Antonio spat on the ground. “From the rude sea’s enraged and foamy mouth did I redeem; a wreck past hope he was. His life I gave him and did thereto add my love, without retention or restraint.”

Cesario listened to this recitation in the most peculiar state. For surely the man was mad — Cesario had indeed been pulled from the sea, but not by him! But also, here was a man declaring openly his love for another man, for Cesario. It fired Cesario’s hope for that thing he had not dared believe was possible. But also, another hope, a hope she had given up for dead all these months past — she! How long since he had thought of himself like that! But he would put aside all he had, all he longed for, all he was, if only…

Antonio continued speaking, but Cesario heard none of it. “How can this be?” He repeated to himself, “How can this be?”

As if in comfort, Orsino put a hand on Cesario’s shoulder and squeezed. “When came he to this town?” The duke demanded.

“To-day, my lord,” Antonio declared, “and for three months before, no interim, not a minute’s vacancy, both day and night did we keep company.”

As he finished speaking, the countess finally came out of her manner, followed by Maria and the fool.

Orsino, seeing her, sighed with longing, and it was all Cesario could do not to roll his eyes. “Here comes the countess: now heaven walks on earth.” Turning back to Antonio, the duke shook his head, almost sadly. “But for thee, fellow; fellow, thy words are madness. Three months this youth hath tended upon me. But more of that anon. Take him aside.”

What You Will: A Queer-er Shakespeare (S2, E8)

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Season Content Notes: Revenge plot, violence, boundary violations, sexual harassment

“Put up your sword.”

(Here, we will hear the story as Antonio saw it, for this moment is more of his tale than Cesario’s.)

Antonio had been concerned when Sebastian did not meet him at the Elephant as planned. So he had gone looking. He didn’t know what he had expected, but it definitely hadn’t been to finally see Sebastian on the wrong side of a walled orchard, surrounded by three strangers across drawn swords.

Antonio didn’t stop to think, he hopped the wall and ran to stand between his young lover and danger.

He took the strange look Sebastian gave him as surprise that Antonio was not waiting at the inn, and extended what he hoped was a calming hand toward the strangers. “If this young gentleman have done offence, I take the fault on me. If you offend him, I for him defy you.”

If it hurt Antonio that Ces– ahem, that is Sebastian, stepped away from him, not trusting his protection, Antonio did not show it. For all the time he and Sebastian had spent together, none had been in swordplay, and few sailors are known for their skill with a blade.

But Antonio’s focus was as sharp as his blade on the man he took to be the leader of this assault. That man, finely dressed but with the eye of one who has seen death many times, glared at Antonio. The man put his hand on sword hilt and demanded, “You, sir! why, what are you?”

Knowing that his appearance and low status would not impress such a high-ranking man, Antonio said only, “One, sir, that for his love dares yet do more than you have heard him brag to you he will.”

“Nay, if you be an undertaker,” the stranger snarled, drawing his sword, “I am for you.”

Antonio carried no sword, but Sebastian did, and Antonio reached out quickly to take it from him. Despite the strangeness with which Sebastian continued to view him, he gave Antonio the sword willingly and backed up out of range of the brewing duel.

It was at this time that several officers of the watch came down the road, looking closely around them.

“O good Sir Toby, hold!” the man dressed as a servant cried, pulling Antonio’s opponent away before they could even cross blades, “here come the officers.”

Then it was briefly chaos with all speaking at once.

This ‘Sir Toby’ growled at Antonio, saying, “I’ll be with you anon.”

Sebastian begged the other strange man to put up his sword. The man replied with some nonsense about his horse to Sebastian’s clear confusion.

And one of the officers pointed at Antonio, saying, “This is the man; do thy office.”

Antonio’s heart sank as the second officer pulled out metal handcuffs. “Antonio, I arrest thee at the suit of Count Orsino.”

Giving the sword back to Sebastian, lest he be thought resisting, Antonio said quickly, “You do mistake me, sir.”

“No, sir, no jot,” the first officer scoffed. “I know your favour well, though now you have no sea-cap on your head. Take him away: he knows I know him well.”

“I must obey.” Antonio swallowed and turned to Sebastian. “This comes with seeking you: but there’s no remedy; I shall answer it.” Sebastian looked at him wide-eyed, like a new sailor at first sight of the deep ocean. It pained Antonio more than he thought possible, but he had to ask, “What will you do, now my necessity makes me to ask you for my purse?” He held out his hands, but Sebastian didn’t reply, took a step back even. Was it shock that made him act so strangely? “It grieves me much more for what I cannot do for you than what befalls myself. You stand amazed, but be of comfort.”

“Come, sir, away,” the officers urged, but Antonio shrugged them off. He didn’t care anymore that they might say he resisted them. Didn’t even really care about the money. But Sebastian — Sebastian! — for whom Antonio had given up so much, whose feet he would have willingly knelt at for only the pleasure of his company, who he had given life and hope and love to…

“I must entreat of you some of that money.”

But Sebastian shook his head and answered in a baffled tone, “What money, sir?”

Antonio’s eyes flew wide at the pain of that blow.

“For the fair kindness you have show’d me here,” Sebastian continued, as if Antonio no more than a stranger, “I’ll lend you something: my having is not much; I’ll make division of my present with you.” He reached into his pocket and held out a pittance, saying, “Hold, there’s half my coffer.”

“Will you deny me now?” Antonio snarled, sudden anger being the only thing that held back the tears burning behind his eyes. “Is’t possible that my deserts to you can lack persuasion? Do not tempt my misery, lest that it make me so unsound a man as to upbraid you with those kindnesses that I have done for you.”

As hurt and angry, and yes, scared as Antonion was, nothing could have prepared him for what came next. For Sebastian, who only hours ago had greeted him with words of love and welcome, now dismissed all that gone between them.

“I know of none,” he said, and Antonio’s kneels nearly buckled at that heart-strike. “Nor know I you by voice or any feature.”

“O heavens themselves!” Antonio cried, finally unable to keep the tears from falling.

The second officer, with surprising gentleness, put a hand on Antonio’s shoulder, “Come, sir, I pray you, go.”

With his hands bound behind him, Antonio was unable to wipe the tears from his cheeks, so he let them fall. “Let me speak a little,” he pleaded. “This youth that you see here, I snatch’d one half out of the jaws of death, relieved him with such sanctity of love, and to his image did I devotion.”

“What’s that to us?” The first officer demanded, “The time goes by: away!”

Barely hearing him, Antonio spat on the ground at Sebastian’s feet. “But O how vile an idol proves this god! Thou hast, Sebastian, done good feature shame.” And it brought him spiteful pleasure to see Sebastian finally react without something other than put-on bewilderment. The villain winced as if Antonio had slapped him, as Antonio wished he could. But if words were all he had to express his pain then he would use them. “In nature there’s no blemish but the mind; none can be call’d deform’d but the unkind.”

Exasperated, the first officer shoved the second aside, saying, “The man grows mad: away with him! Come, come, sir.”

With a final curse, Antonio turned to follow them. He left behind the shattered remains of his heart and the one he had thought to devote his life.

Unknown to Antonio, ‘Sebastian,’ still in shock, followed the officers and their charge a short way down the road.

For this Sebastian, of course, was Cesario. The two brothers did indeed look enough alike to fool even Antonio for a short period, and Sebastian was at that time a distance from that place.

In all Cesario’s confusion at the events just past, one thing had struck him most clearly: “He named Sebastian.” Cesario did not doubt that Antonio — whose name Cesario still did not know — had spoken truth. His passion, his pain, had been all too clear. But… Cesario was not Sebastian, yet Cesario’s look, from how he cut his hair, to the clothes, and even the expressions he often wore… He had styled after those of his lost brother. The brother who should have been dead, but this stranger had spoken of saving his life… “O, if it prove, tempests are kind and salt waves fresh in love.”

Cesario had to speak with the Duke. If there was any truth to this, Orsino would help him find it. And it was the Duke who sent the officers, so only he could get Cesario audience with the stranger.

Mind made up, Cesario (with no thought to Countess Olivia’s people who had ambushed him so short a time ago) turned and strode quickly down the road to home.

Behind him, Sir Toby had seen a chance for further mischief and, more, had taken Cesario at a severe dislike for the shameful actions he had just witnessed.

“A very dishonest paltry boy,” that worthy growled, “and more a coward than a hare. His dishonesty appears in leaving his friend here in necessity and denying him, and for his cowardship, ask Fabian.”

Fabian, of course, knew a cue when he heard it and chimed in, “A coward, a most devout coward, religious in it.”

As predictably as Fabian, though with less self-awareness, Sir Anthony jumped for the bait, “‘Slid, I’ll after him again and beat him.”

“Do,” Sir Toby encouraged, “cuff him soundly, but never draw thy sword.”

“An I do not,–” Sir Andrew started down the road after the now-vanished Cesario.

Chortling, Fabian and Sir Toby followed behind to see what sport followed.

“I dare lay any money ’twill be nothing yet.” Sir Toby confided to Fabian, washing his hands with glee.

What You Will: A Queer-er Shakespeare (S2, E7)

Season Content Notes: Revenge plot, violence, boundary violations, sexual harassment

Who is to say what Cesario’s thoughts were as he walked down the drive and away from the countess’ manor? One can speculate, of course. Perhaps he was reflecting on his conversation with the countess or what further entreaties he might make on his lord to give up this futile ‘courtship’.

Whatever his thoughts were, they were disrupted by the sudden appearance of Sir Toby blocking his path.

Many misunderstand Sir Toby, thinking him a comical fellow. Which, indeed, he can be in his cups. But like many, Sir Toby is not a drunkard for love of drinks. Sir Toby is a drunkard for love of what drink gives him — forgetfulness. There is another side to Sir Toby, one seen rarely these days. He is not a nice man, Sir Toby. Few who survive what he has may be termed ‘nice’. Yet he can be, when he chooses, a very impressive man.

It was a different Sir Toby than we have seen thus far who confronted young Cesario on that tree-lined drive. Anyone who has seen that Sir Toby would understand immediately why Cesario — who on their first meeting had confronted the man and demanded to be allowed to speak with the countess — immediately stopped and glanced around for some refuge.

“Gentleman, God save thee.” Sir Toby’s greeting was more harsh than warm, but it met the forms, and Cesario felt constrained to reply.

“And you, sir.”

“That defence thou hast,” Sir Toby began, stepped forward to loom over Cesario, “betake thee to’t: of what nature the wrongs are thou hast done him, I know not. But thy intercepter, full of despite, bloody as the hunter, attends thee at the orchard-end.” When Cesario only stood staring at him, Sir Toby stepped forward again, forcing the youth back. “Dismount thy tuck,” Sir Toby directed, and Cesario scrambled to unsheath his sword lest delay be taken for something else. “Be yare in thy preparation, for thy assailant is quick, skilful and deadly.” With each sentence, Sir Toby forced Cesario back another step.

“You mistake, sir,” Cesario said, trying to remember the proper grip Count Orsino’s fencing master had drilled into him. “I am sure no man hath any quarrel to me: my remembrance is very free and clear from any image of offence done to any man.”

“You’ll find it otherwise, I assure you,” Sir Toby intoned. “Therefore, if you hold your life at any price, betake you to your guard; for your opposite hath in him what youth, strength, skill and wrath can furnish man withal.”

“I pray you, sir, what is he?” Cesario demanded, sure that only some great terror would have sent this man as his second.

“He is a knight, dubbed with unhatched rapier and on carpet consideration; but he is a devil in private brawl. Souls and bodies hath he divorced three.” Cesario did not squeak. He was quite sure of it. He would not swear that he did not whimper. Ignoring him, Sir Toby continued, “His incensement at this moment is so implacable, that satisfaction can be none but by pangs of death and sepulchre. Hob, nob, is his word; give’t or take’t.”

A few moments ago, Cesario had hoped to have many a day before he next needed to speak with the countess. He suddenly rethought that desire. “I will return again into the house and desire some conduct of the lady,” he said, “I am no fighter. I have heard of some kind of men that put quarrels purposely on others, to taste their valour: belike this is a man of that quirk.”

“Sir, no,” Sir Toby grabbed his arm, halting him. “His indignation derives itself out of a very competent injury: therefore, get you on and give him his desire. Back you shall not to the house, unless,” with a sudden motion, Sir Toby dropped Cesario’s arm, lept back, and drew his own sword. “You undertake that with me which with as much safety you might answer him.” Horrified, Cesario stumbled back, tripping over his feet and shaking his head. Sir Toby grinned maliciously. “On then,” he demanded, gesturing into the orchard beside the drive. “Or strip your sword stark naked; for meddle you must, that’s certain, or forswear to wear iron about you.”

Cesario knew nothing of this stranger who was so determined to quarrel with him. He knew well he had no desire to cross swords with Sir Toby in this mood. Seeing no other options, he began to tramp across the orchard as Sir Toby directed.

After a dozen paces, Sir Toby sheathed his sword to Cesario’s great relief. His relief faded when Sir Toby threw an arm across his shoulders. It might have seemed a comradely gesture had it not been so clear he was prepared to haul Cesario bodily at the fainted hesitation. Worse to Cesario’s mind, he had some things to hide which made him leery of close contact with others. He began to walk faster, trying to get a few paces ahead of his interloper. “This is as uncivil as strange,” he said as Sir Toby matched him pace for pace. “I beseech you, do me this courteous office, as to know of the knight what my offense to him is. It is something of my negligence, nothing of my purpose.”

As he finished speaking, they rounded a tree and nearly walked into Fabian, who had been waiting for them.

“I will do so.” Sir Toby said, “Signior Fabian, stay you by this gentleman till my return.”

Sir Toby strode across to the orchard to wear a tall, thin figure could be seen.

Cesario considered trying to run, but it seemed to him that Fabian was quite prepared to chase him down.

Instead, Cesario asked, “Pray you, sir, do you know of this matter?”

“I know the knight is incensed against you,” Fabian replied with a shrug, “even to a mortal arbitrement; but nothing of the circumstance more.”

“I beseech you, what manner of man is he?”

“He is, indeed, sir, the most skilful, bloody and fatal opposite that you could possibly have found in any part of Illyria. Will you walk towards him?”

Cesario shook his head, looking around for some escape.

“I will make your peace with him if I can,” Fabian offered.

After a moment, Cesario nodded. “I shall be much bound to you for’t: I am one that had rather go with sir priest than sir knight. I care not who knows so much of my mettle.”

As Fabian guided Cesario toward their make-shift lists, Sir Toby was… encouraging Sir Andrew.

“Why, man, he’s a very devil; I have not seen such a firago. I had a pass with him, rapier, scabbard and all, and he gives me the stuck in with such a mortal motion, that it is inevitable; and on the answer, he pays you as surely as your feet hit the ground they step on. They say,” here Sir Toby dropped his voice as if to prevent eavesdroppers, though there was no one else to be seen, “he has been fencer to the Shah of Persia!”

Paling, Sir Andrew started backing away. “Pox on’t, I’ll not meddle with him.”

“Ay, but he will not now be pacified: Fabian can scarce hold him yonder.”

And indeed, they could see Fabian arguing with Cesario as they crossed the orchard.

“Plague on’t, an I thought he had been valiant and so cunning in fence, I’ld have seen him damned ere I’ld have challenged him.” Sir Andrew turned to Sir Toby with a sudden thought, ‘Let him let the matter slip, and I’ll give him my horse, grey Capilet.”

“I’ll make the motion,” Sir Toby said, “stand here, make a good show on’t. This shall end without the perdition of souls.”

He signaled Fabian to come trade places with him, muttering to himself, “Marry, I’ll ride your horse as well as I ride you.”

Sir Toby and Fabian between them alternately soothed and threatened until the two were finally facing each other with swords drawn.

Unwilling to stand and wait for the attack, Cesario screwed up his courage and took a wild swing. As he did so, a strange voice cried from the road–

“Put up your sword!”

What You Will: A Queer-er Shakespeare (S2, E6)

Season Content Notes: Revenge plot, violence, boundary violations, sexual harassment

Sir Toby and Fabian were playing cards with the fool making music quietly in the corner. Their quiet play was interrupted when Sir Andrew rushed in waving a much-crumpled paper.

Fabian, facing the door, saw him first and leaned toward Sir Toby, whispering, “More matter for a May morning.”

Thus alerted, Sir Toby did not jump up and spill his drink when Sir Andrew clapped his shoulder from behind and dropped the paper on the table.

“Here’s the challenge!” he cried, “Read it: warrant there’s vinegar and pepper in’t.”

“Is’t so saucy?” Fabian asked, mostly hiding his disbelief.

Taking up the paper again, Sir Andrew made as if to shake it in Fabian’s face but shied away at the last moment. “Ay, is’t, I warrant him: do but read.”

Sir Toby snatched the waving paper from Sir Andrew’s hands and spread it out. Then began to read aloud.

‘Youth, whatsoever thou art, thou art but a scurvy fellow.’

“Good,” Fabian said, surprised, “and valiant.”

Sir Andrew took up a fencing pose and began lunging about the room.

Sir Toby continued to read, ” ‘Wonder not, nor admire not in thy mind, why I do call thee so, for I will show thee no reason for’t.’

Surprise faded from Fabian’s face, and a grimace took its place. “A… a good note; that keeps you from the blow of the law.”

Setting his lute aside, the fool drew forth his non-existent sword and gave challenge to Sir Andrew. Startled, Sir Andrew lost his footing and squeaked, but quickly recovered to give a brave show of himself. The two dueled back and forth across the floor, trading imaginary blow and parry.

” ‘Thou comest to the lady Olivia, and in my sight she uses thee kindly: but thou liest in thy throat; that is not the matter I challenge thee for.'”

Fabian squeaked now and gaped for a moment before managing, “Very brief, and to exceeding good sense–less.”

” ‘I will waylay thee going home; where if it be thy chance to kill me,’–”

Sir Andrew, retreating from the fool’s attack, tripped over Fabian’s feet, knocking them both to the ground. The fool took advantage of his opponent’s fall to make the coup-de-grace, and Sir Andrew died dramatically.

“Good.” Fabian coughed.

“‘Thou killest me like a rogue and a villain.'”

“Still,” Fabian gasped, trying to get up without shoving Sir Andrew off of him, “you keep o’ the windy side of the law: good.”

” ‘Fare thee well, and God have mercy upon one of our souls! He may have mercy upon mine, but my hope is better, and so look to thyself. Thy friend, as thou usest him, and thy sworn enemy, ANDREW AGUECHEEK.’ If this letter move him not, his legs cannot.” Sir Toby finally took notice of Sir Andrew, still laying on Fabian and struggling to rise. Sir Toby tucked the letter into his pocket and reached down to lift Sir Andrew up.

“I’ll give’t him.” Sir Toby assured the other, hiding the rolling of his eyes.

For a moment Sir Andrew looked as if he would speak, but then Maria poked her head through the door.

Maria poked her head in the door. “You may have very fit occasion for’t: he is now in some commerce with my lady, and will by and by depart.”

“Go, Sir Andrew,” Sir Toby urged the knight toward the door, “scout me for him at the corner of the orchard. So soon as ever thou seest him, draw; and, as thou drawest swear horrible. Away!”

Sir Andrew dragged his feet but was eventually guided on his way, insisting the whole time that he was not one to swear.

Once he was gone, Sir Toby pulled the note out, and ripped it to pieces. “Now will not I deliver his letter: for the behavior of the young gentleman gives him out to be of good capacity and breeding; his employment between his lord and my niece confirms no less.” Toby tossed the shredded letter into the fireplace and spit upon it — which did as much good as spitting into fire ever does. “Therefore this letter, being so excellently ignorant, will breed no terror in the youth: he will find it comes from a clodpole. I will deliver his challenge by word of mouth”

“Here he comes with your niece,” Fabian said. And indeed, through the window, they could see Olivia and Cesario walking the lawn. “Give them way til he take leave, and presently after him.”

“I will meditate the while upon some horrid message for a challenge.”

Fabian and Sir Toby followed Maria from the room, leaving the fool to watch and listen through the window.

Countess Olivia was once again pleading with the youth:

“I have said too much unto a heart of stone and laid mine honour too unchary out. There’s something in me that reproves my fault; but such a headstrong potent fault it is, that it but mocks reproof.”

Cesario had long since grown sick of these visits. He shook his head and said quietly, “With the same ‘havior that your passion bears, goes on my master’s grief.”

As far as Cesario was concerned, they were all fools — himself, the duke, and the countess — for loving one they could not have. And himself the double fool for encouraging their folly!

Unaware of his thoughts, the countess removed her necklace — a cunningly worked cameo — and held it out to Cesario. “Here, wear this jewel for me, ’tis my picture.” She held it out so long to him, but he did not even look at it. “Refuse it not,” she begged, “it hath no tongue to vex you.” With a resigned chuckle at his folly, Cesario accepted the gift, but did not put it on.

“And I beseech you come again to-morrow,” she continued, “What shall you ask of me that I’ll deny, that honour saved may upon asking give?”

“Nothing but this,” Cesario replied, knowing it was a waste of words, “your true love for my master.”

“How with mine honour may I give him that which I have given to you?”

Pulling upon his hair, Cesario turned and started down the road, calling over his shoulder, “I will acquit you.”

Olivia chased after him for a few steps. “Well, come again to-morrow: fare thee well!” He waved an acknowledgment, and she turned back to the manor, speaking to herself. “A fiend like thee might bear my soul to hell.”

What You Will: A Queer-er Shakespeare (S2, E3)

Season Content Notes: Revenge plot, violence, boundary violations

Countess Olivia led Cesario into a walled garden, and the door was shut behind them, leaving the two alone. Nervously pushing his hair out of his face, Cesario wondered what a — another man, one without Cesario’s history, might have thought.

Cesario also thought the countess was not being at all subtle — and that was a problem.

He was right.

Stepping even closer, the countess batted her eyes at Cesario and said, “Give me your hand, sir.”

Trapped by the rules of manners, Cesario did offer his hand but stepped back to make a leg — that is, an elaborate bow where the right leg slides back and bends while the left leg extends toward the person being bowed to. It’s never seen now, and rarely then, having fallen out of fashion. But the leg required room that gave Cesario an excuse to step away without being rude, which was all he cared about. “My duty, madam, and most humble service.”

The countess recognized the retreat and did not attempt to move close again, but she did hold tight to Cesario’s hand. “What is your name?”

“Cesario is your servant’s name, fair princess,” the worthy replied.

“My servant, sir!” Countess Olivia raised her eyebrows and looked from Cesario to the space he had put between them. “‘Twas never merry world since lowly feigning was call’d compliment.” Cesario acknowledged this with a shrug but did not come closer. With a sigh, the countess released his hand. “You’re servant to the Count Orsino, youth.”

“And he is yours,” Cesario replied. Countess Olivia tried to wave his words away but he insisted, “and his must needs be yours: your servant’s servant is your servant, madam.”

“For him, I think not on him!” the countess said.

Cesario did not reply, only watched her silently.

“Oh, for his thoughts, would they were blanks, rather than fill’d with me!”

“Madam.” He started to reach for her hand and stopped. Often in the past, Viola and her friends had giggled over the men who flirted with them. Then, urging each other to consider this or that man one did not find appealing had been a game, harmless. This… this did not feel harmless. No, urging on her a man she spurned did not feel harmless at all. And he was not one who the countess would take a bosom companion. So he only said softly, “I come to whet your gentle thoughts on his behalf.”

“O, by your leave, I pray you, I bade you never speak again of him,” Olivia turned away and paced the garden in agitation. She had no idea that Cesario’s thoughts — in that at least — aligned much with hers.

“But,” she stopped when her path took her back to Cesario and spoke entreatingly, “But, would you undertake another suit.” She hesitated, looking down as a blush stained her cheeks, “I had rather hear you to solicit that than music from the spheres.”

But Cesario shook his head, stepping away, “Dear lady,–”

Before he could make clear his rejection, the countess cut him off, “Give me leave, beseech you.” When he said nothing further, she continued, “I did send, after the last enchantment you did here, a ring in chase of you: so did I abuse myself, my servant and, I fear me, you.”

To this Cesario shook his head — he would rather not have spea of the ring she sent. He kept the ring in an inner pocket, knowing any who saw it would misunderstand but unable to part with it. For though it was poorly done of her, it was her sending that ring, and the new view it gave him of himself, that let him accept the truth of his own manhood.

He was grateful to her, but that gratitude was one he could never express.

But she kept speaking, unaware of his thoughts. “Under your hard construction must I sit, to force that on you, in a shameful cunning, which you knew none of yours: what might you think? Have you not set mine honour at the stake and baited it with all the unmuzzled thoughts that tyrannous heart can think? So, let me hear you speak.”

Not knowing what else to say, Cesario spoke the truth. “I pity you.”

To Cesario’s dismay, the countess seized on that simple statement, “That’s a degree to love.”

“No, not a bit; for ’tis a vulgar proof, that very oft we pity enemies.” Though he did not mean to, Cesario leaned into that last word, enemies. Intentional or not, Countess Olivia wisely took counsel of that word and backed away, pasting a smile across her face they both knew to be false.

In the background, a clock tolled the hour.

“Why,” she said, “the clock upbraids me with the waste of time. Be not afraid, good youth, I will not have you,” and the countess could not miss Cesario’s relief as she capitulated. “And yet, when wit and youth is come to harvest, your wife is alike to reap a proper man.” She opened the door of the garden, waving him through. “There lies your way, due west.”

“Then,” he said with a soft smile, “westward-ho! Grace and good disposition attend your ladyship!” He stepped through the door, and was stopped by duty, “You’ll nothing, madam, to my lord by me?”

She shook her head, and he nodded in understanding. Perhaps he could finally convince the duke to give over this chase, which brought joy to no one.

But as he turned again to go, the countess grabbed his arm, “Stay! I prythee, tell me what thou thinkest of me.”

Shrugging her off in frustration, Cesario exclaimed, “That you do think you are not what you are.”

“If I think so, I think the same of you.”

They were close now, speaking right into each other’s faces. “Then think you right: I am not what I am!” Cesario barely restrained himself from pushing her away.

“I would you were as I would have you be!”

“Would it be better, madam, than I am?” Cesario spat. “I wish it might, for now, I am your fool.”

“O, what a deal of scorn looks beautiful in the contempt and anger of his lip!” She spoke more to herself now than him, reaching out to trace his jaw. He jerked away. “A murderous guilt shows not itself more soon than love that would seem hid: love’s night is noon.”

Done with the whole matter, Cesario turned away again and started walking away. She called after him. “Cesario, by the roses of the spring, my maidhood, honour, truth, and everything, I love thee so, that, maugre all thy pride, nor wit nor reason can my passion hide. Do not extort thy reasons from this clause, for that I woo, thou, therefore, hast no cause, but rather reason thus with reason fetter, Love sought is good, but given unsought better.”

And why, Cesario wondered, did she not apply that sentiment to the unsought love Orsino had for her? Did she not realize she was doing to him the very thing she hated from the duke?

Without turning to face her, Cesario spoke a truth that had been growing in his bosom for some time. “By innocence, I swear, and by my youth, I have one heart, one bosom, and one truth. And that no woman has; nor never none shall mistress be of it.”

He rolled his shoulders once as the truth settled on him. He was a man, but a man who still loved other men. And he was done enabling this game between Duke Orsino, who he loved, and the countess. “Adieu, good madam: never more will I my master’s tears to you deplore.”

As he started down the road to home, her voice called after him. “Yet come again!

“For thou perhaps mayst move that heart, which now abhors, to like his love.”

What You Will: A Queer-er Shakespeare (S2, E2)

Season Content Notes: Revenge plot, violence

Cesario, gentleman to Duke Orsino and once, in another life, a young woman called ‘Viola,’ was on a task he despised. Sent once again by the duke he loved to woo for that duke the Countess Olivia. To make matters worse, the last time Cesario had gone wooing for the duke, the countess had sent a love token — to Cesario.

It didn’t help that sometimes, when Orsino looked at or spoke to Cesario, Cesario thought he saw some reflection of his own feelings in the duke’s eyes. But that was just fancy. Men, Cesario knew, did not feel that way about other men. That Cesario felt so for the duke was only because he was… not the usual kind of man.

Thinking these glum thoughts, Cesario was eager for a distraction. He found it in the sight of a fool — one Cesario had seen only the night before performing for Duke Orsino. The fool was relaxing in the shade of a tree, playing lightly on a drum. So he called out to the fool, saying, “Save thee, friend, and thy music: dost thou live by thy tabour?”

The fool, knowing very well that Cesario knew who he was and how he made his living, rolled his eyes and replied, “No, sir, I live by the church.”

Not willing to be thwarted, Cesario returned, “Art thou a churchman?”

“No such matter, sir: I do live by the church,” the fool said, “for I do live at my house, and my house doth stand by the church.”

Cesario was not himself a fool and proved it now, saying, “So thou mayst say, the king lies by a beggar, if a beggar dwell near him; or, the church stands by thy tabour, if thy tabour stand by the church.”

“You have said, sir.” The fool stood and clapped his hands together. “To see this age! A sentence is but a cheveril glove to a good wit: how quickly the wrong side may be turned outward!”

Finally realizing that he was being made a mock of, Cesario was quick to try to redeem himself. “Nay, that’s certain; they that dally nicely with words may quickly make them wanton.”

“I would, therefore, my sister had had no name, sir,” the fool immediately gave back.

That paused Cesario, and he blinked at the fool a moment. “Why, man?”

“Why, sir, her name’s a word; and to dally with that word might make my sister wanton. But indeed words are very rascals since bonds disgraced them.”

“Thy reason, man?”

Starting to enjoy himself now, the fool looked around as if to see if anyone might overhear, then leaned in close and whispered to Cesario, “Troth, sir, I can yield you none without words; and words are grown so false, I am loath to prove reason with them.”

“Art not thou the Lady Olivia’s fool?”

“No, indeed, sir; the Lady Olivia has no folly: she will keep no fool, sir, till she be married; and fools are as like husbands as pilchards are to herrings; the husband’s the bigger: I am indeed not her fool, but her corrupter of words.”

“I saw thee late at the Count Orsino’s.”

“Foolery, sir, does walk about the orb like the sun, it shines every where.” The fool picked up his drum and acted as if ready to walk away. “I would be sorry, sir, but the fool should be as oft with your master as with my mistress.” Suddenly he stopped and looked back at Cesario quizzically. “I think I saw your wisdom there.”

Suddenly wary, Cesario said, “I’ll no more with thee,” and started on. He had no wish for this too-perceptive fool to ferret out his secrets.

The fool, not willing to let him go yet, took off his hat and held it before the young gentleman.

Cesario, too good-hearted for his own good, sighed and dug in his pockets. “Hold, there’s expenses for thee.”

“Now Jove,” the fool said, snatching the coin out of his hand, “in his next commodity of hair, send thee a beard!”

Cesario had been right to fear the fool’s sharp eye, for the man had latched onto one of the gentlemen’s sore points — and weakness in his disguise. But Cesario did not betray himself by wince or word. Only leaned in until he could feel the fool’s breath on his cheek and said with a laugh, “By my troth, I’ll tell thee, I am almost sick for one; though I would not have it grow on my chin.”

Then he stood up and walked on, calling over his shoulder, “Is thy lady within?”

The fool chased after him, holding up the single coin he had conjured from Cesario’s pocket. “Would not a pair of these have bred, sir?”

“Yes,” Cesario said, “being kept together and put to use.”

The fool nipped in front of Cesario and stopped, forcing Cesario to stop as well. “I would play Lord Pandarus of Phrygia, sir,” he said, with a sudden change to highborn speech and courtly bow, “to bring a Cressida to this Troilus.”

Shaking his head, Cesario pulled another coin out and handed it to the fool. “I understand you, sir; ’tis well begged.”

The fool took it with a flourish and turned to dance in the direction of the manor. “The matter, I hope, is not great, sir, begging but a beggar: Cressida,” and as he said the name, he paused his dance to bow again to Cesario, “was a beggar.

“My lady is within, sir. I will construe to them whence you come; who you are and what you would are out of my welkin, I might say ‘element,’ but,” the fool shrugged, “the word is over-worn.

Cesario chuckled as the fool danced his way into the manor, leaving the gentleman to await the return of the lady of the house. Cesario was wise enough to recognize that good fooling takes wisdom and wit, else the fool will run afoul of his audience and suffer mischief. Unlike many so-called wise men who fall into folly from being oversure of themselves.

As Cesario waited, Sir Toby and Sir Andrew came out of the manor. “Save you, gentleman,” called Sir Toby.

“And you, sir,” Cesario replied with a little bow.

Sir Andrew carefully declaimed, “Dieu vous garde, monsieur.”

He was not prepared for Cesario to reply, in letter perfect French, “Et vous aussi; votre serviteur.”

Being suddenly out of his knowledge, Sir Andrew stammered a reply in English, “I- I hope, sir, you are; and I am yours.”

Clearing his throat, Sir Toby stepped closer to Cesario and waved toward the manor. “Will you encounter the house? my niece is desirous you should enter, if your trade be to her.”

“I am bound to your niece, sir,” Cesario replied but made no move toward the manor. “I mean– she is the list of my voyage.”

With a harrumph, Sir Toby waved to the house again. “Taste your legs, sir,” he said impatiently, “put them to motion.”

Blinking in confusion, Cesario could only say, “My legs do better understand me, sir, than I understand what you mean by bidding me taste my legs.”

“I mean, to go, sir, to enter.”

Before Cesario could answer, Countess Olivia herself came out of the manor, accompanied by Maria. Cesario immediately swept into a deep bow with even more courtly flourishes than the fool had used. “Most excellent accomplished lady,” he said, “the heavens rain odours on you!”

Everyone could hear Sir Andrew mutter, “That youth’s a rare courtier: ‘Rain odours;’ well.”

Ignoring him, Cesario continued addressing Olivia, “My matter hath no voice, save to your own most pregnant and vouchsafed ear.”

It cannot be said whether Cesario expected the lady to be flattered but this outpouring of verbiage. Perhaps he hoped his manner would put off the countess or wished to twit Sir Andrew.

If the latter, it worked. “‘Odours,’ ‘pregnant’ and ‘vouchsafed:'” that worthy muttered. “I’ll get ’em all three all ready.”

With a somewhat disturbed glance at the knight, Olivia took Cesario’s arm and led him toward her private garden. To Maria, she said only, “Let the garden door be shut, and leave me to my hearing.”

What You Will (S1 E11)

Season notes: violence, sexism

After Malvolio left, Sir Toby, Sir Andrew, the fool, and Maria stared after him a moment. Then, “Go shake your ears,” Maria growled after him.

The others laughed, and Sir Toby and Sir Andrew began trading comments about the steward. In a few moments, Sir Andrew was ready to go issue him a challenge to duel, and Sir Toby eager to be his second.

Maria hushed them, worried for Lady Olivia’s temper. A duel could not help but come to her attention. Instead, she said, “Let me alone with him: if I do not make him a common recreation, do not think I have wit enough to lie straight in my bed.” She scooped up the wine and came to pour it for Sir Toby. “I know I can do it.”

“Possess us, possess us,” Sir Toby slung an arm around her shoulders again. “Tell us something of him.”

“Marry, sir, sometimes he is a kind of puritan.”

“O, if I thought that I would beat him like a dog!” Sir Andrew exclaimed.

“What, for being a puritan?” Sir Toby turned to the other knight in confusion, “Thy exquisite reason, dear knight?”

“I have no exquisite reason for’t,” Sir Andrew said stubbornly, “but I have reason good enough.”

Maria ignored them. “The devil a puritan that he is, or anything constantly, but a time-pleaser; an affectioned ass. The best persuaded of himself, so crammed, as he thinks, with excellencies, that it is his grounds of faith that all that look on him love him.”

“What wilt thou do?” Sir Toby asked.

“I will drop in his way some obscure letters of love, wherein, by the color of his beard, the shape of his leg, the manner of his gait, the expressure of his eye, forehead, and complexion, he shall find himself most feelingly personated.” She smiled at Sir Toby before stepping away and crossing the room to a writing desk. Sir Toby followed her. From the desk she pulled two notes written on the thick cream paper Olivia preferred for personal matters. “I can write very like my lady, your niece.” She showed the notes to Sir Toby, who examined them with delight. “On a forgotten matter, we can hardly make distinction of our hands.”

“Excellent! I smell a device.”

Sir Andrew now crowded up behind Sir Toby. “I have it in my nose too.”

Sir Toby cackled. “He shall think, by the letters that thou wilt drop, that they come from my niece, and that she’s in love with him.”

Maria nodded, smiling at the older knight.

“My purpose is, indeed, a horse of that color.”

She took the notes from Sir Toby and put them back in the draw. When she turned around Sir Toby was so close their lips nearly met. Maria stared for a moment before pulling away and pacing to the door. “Sport royal, I warrant you: I know my physic will work with him.

“I will plant you two and let the fool make a third, where he shall find the letter.” She opened the door and stopped. “Observe his construction of it. For this night, to bed, and dream on the event.” With one long look over her shoulder, she was gone. “Farewell.”

“Good night, Penthesilea.” Sir Toby called after her.

Sir Andrew shook his head in admiration. “Before me, she’s a good wench.”

“She’s a beagle,” Sir Toby sighed, “true-bred, and one that adores me.” Sir Andrew stared at him and seemed almost to be blinking away tears. “What o’ that?”

“I was adored once too.” Sir Andrew said quietly.

Grunting, Sir Toby patted Sir Andrew on the shoulder. “Let’s to bed, knight. Thou hadst need send for more money.”

Sir Andrew grimaced, “If I cannot recover your niece, I am a foul way out.”

“Send for money, knight: if thou hast her not i’ the end, call me cut.”

“If I do not, never trust me. Take it how you will.”

Through the window, the first light of dawn could be seen peeking over the horizon. Sir Toby glared at it a moment, then shook his head. “‘Tis too late to go to bed now.” He signaled for the fool, almost forgotten in the corner, to begin a song. “Come, knight.” He started to dance and waved for Sir Andrew to join him, “Come, knight!”

While the fool helped Sirs Toby and Andrew ring in the dawn, others in Duke Orsino’s court were also blearily facing the first light after a too-long night.

Duke Orsino, unnaturally alert, sat on a settee with his arm around Cesario (who was Viola). Curio stood (someone less than alertly) by the door, and Valentine sat behind the duke, tired enough to forget himself and glare at the duke’s over-familiar arm. The rest of the duke’s court had been dismissed to seek their beds some hours earlier. But these, the duke’s favorites, must remain, blinking against the dawn’s light and stifling eager yawns.

The duke, seeing dawn peek through the windows, perked up. “Now, good morrow, friends. Give me some music!” He shook Cesario gently, rousing him from half stupor. “Now, good Cesario, but that piece of song, that old and antique song we heard last night.

“Methought it did relieve my passion much, more than light airs and recollected terms.”

Cesario blinked at him and mustered a scowl. In the weeks since he entered the duke’s court, he had grown comfortable with the duke. Comfortable enough to make plain when he thought the duke was being outrageous — which was often. Comfortable enough that he did not object to the duke’s arm around his shoulders, though he knew he should have.

“Come,” Orsino wheedled, “but one verse.”

From the door, Curio cleared his throat. “He is not here, so please your lordship that should sing it.”

“Who was it?” the duke asked, turning to face Curio.

“Feste, the jester, my lord; a fool that the lady Olivia’s father took much delight in. He was about the house.”

“Seek him out!” He gave a shove to Cesario, “And play the tune the while.”

Cesario dragged himself to his feet and took a moment to be sure of his balance before walking carefully to the piano. He seated himself and ran through a short warm-up to loosen his sleep-dogged fingers. Then he began picking out the tune. (After listening to the fool play it for near an hour the night before, he had it memorized and needed no sheet music.)

The duke came to stand behind him and rested a hand on Cesario’s shoulder. (Valentine, who had begun to relax, took up his glare again.)

“If ever thou shalt love, boy,” the duke murmured, “In the sweet pangs of it remember me. For such as I am all true lovers are, unstaid and skittish in all motions else, save in the constant image of the creature that is beloved.”

Cesario was saved from needing to reply by his playing, and the duke was content to listen in silence to the music.

For a time.

“How dost thou like this tune?”

Speaking and playing leaves one distracted even at the best of times. But after a long night when one wishes nothing more than to seek one’s bed? Then truths can slip out that a man would never willingly speak in the light of day. “It gives a very echo to the seat where Love is throned,” Cesario replied.

Orsino stared down at him, “Thou dost speak masterly. My life upon’t, young though thou art, thine eye hath stay’d upon some favor that it loves.” With visible reluctance, the duke pulled his hand from Cesario’s shoulder. To cover his awkwardness, he continued, “Hath it not, boy?”

Cesario stared down at his hands, appalled at his slip. In the background, Valentine breathed a sigh of relief and relaxed into the chair.

After a moment, Cesario replied, “A little, by your favor.”

“What kind of woman is it?” the duke asked.

Cesario shrugged, not showing his relief that the duke assumed he spoke of a woman. Of course, he did. But his tongue was not guarded enough and what slipped out was, “Of your complexion.”

It was Curio, now, who perked up, glancing with raised eyebrows toward Valentine.

Orsino missed this by play, dismissing the hypothetical woman with a wave. “She is not worth thee, then.” A pause. “What years, i’ faith?”

With a prayer to the fates who watched out for fools and drunkards, Cesario replied honestly — “About your years, my lord.”

Cesario, unnoticing, was now leaning back so his shoulder rested on the duke’s thigh. Valentine, of course, did not miss it. His eyebrows, too, climbed to meet his much-receded hairline. He looked to Curio who smiled and nodded toward the two by the piano. Valentine sighed and shrugged. Then stole a pillow from the settee to prop behind his head. Hands folded across his middle he closed his eyes.

The duke’s hand was once more upon Cesario’s shoulder. He shook his head regretfully. “Too old by heaven! Let still the woman take an elder than herself. So wears she to him, so sways she level in her husband’s heart. For, boy,” and he squeezed Cesario’s shoulder gently as he spoke. “However we do praise ourselves, our fancies are more giddy and unfirm, more longing, wavering, sooner lost and worn, than women’s are.”

What else the duke might have said was interrupted by a soft snore coming from Valentine’s chair. Orsino and Cesario turned in surprise, then looked at each other and giggled.

Cesario knew it was foolish, but he let a giddy smile show upon his face. The duke would think it a response to Valentine when in truth it was a response to the duke’s words. “I think it well, my lord.”

“Then let thy love be younger than thyself,” Orsino turned back to Cesario with a more somber expression. “Or thy affection cannot hold the bent. For women are as roses, whose fair flower being once display’d, doth fall that very hour.”

“And so they are: alas, that they are so,” Cesario could not bring himself to be bothered by this assessment of women or men’s affection to them. The duke felt that men should seek out younger lovers. In that moment of exhaustion and dawn light and foolishness, he allowed himself one moment to believe in fantasies. “To die, even when they to perfection grow!”

Out of sight of the duke and his man, Curio watched how their gazes caught, how they leaned into each other, only to start back, and smiled.

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What You Will (S1 Finale)