So, it’s the time of year when everyone talks about their plans for the new year, what they are going to change, do better, etc.
I’ve never been much for pinning my goals to a date on my calendar. So this post is an oddity for me. But I did make some big resolutions, so why not share them?
I just didn’t make them for the new year.
Starting Over After Crisis
This summer I had what I suppose you could call a midlife crisis. I just turned 36, so right around the traditional age for it. But it definitely wasn’t the traditional kind of crisis.
What happened was, between abusive relationships, homelessness, and chronic illness/disability, I had spent my life fighting against things. In fact, though I hadn’t realized it, my entire sense of self was based on resistance. It’s why I would always say my favorite quality was my stubbornness.
My role in life was to be the immovable object, standing forever against the irresistible force.
But I escaped the abusive relationships. And got out of homelessness. And started getting treatments to get the various health problems under control.
The truth is, that an immovable object is lost without the irresistible force. What do you do when you wake up one day and realize the struggles that were the basis for everything you are… don’t exist anymore.
It was kind of humbling to realize that my unerring sense of self all these years was really a sense of opposition. That without needing to resist those things which tried to destroy me, I didn’t know who I was.
I’m still working on figuring out who I am, how do I define and identify myself. (My spreadsheets have spreadsheets, YES I want definition and label and all that jazz. 😛 ) But in the meantime, I figured out who I want to become and what I want to do. I’ve got all the stubborn power and endurance of an immovable object. I’m damn well gonna do something with that.
I have five goals, five lifetime resolutions if you will. One, as I mentioned is an identity goal. Who I want to be. The others are action goals, things I want to do and achieve.
None of these are small goals, but then I’ve never been knowing for thinking small.
Perhaps ironically, blogging doesn’t fit in with any of those life goals. But the truth is, I’ve missed blogging over the last year+. I’m not ready to blog about polyamory. That burnout went deep and I don’t know if I’ll ever take up those blog topics again. Still, I want to blog.
So to get me started, over the next few weeks I’m going to blog about my lifetime resolutions. And over the next year, and hopefully longer, I’ll occasionally share updates on my process, projects, and process.
I don’t know how much interest there will be in these posts, but all together they are going to cover a wide variety of topics. And I know some folks who followed my writing and work in the past will be interested in them.