As I said in my last regular post, I’m going to be writing a series on polyfolk moving in together. To start us off, let’s take a look at where your polycule is going to live.
Generally one of two things happen when a polycule takes the step of moving in together. Either everyone moves out of their current home and gets a new home together, or part of the polycule keeps their home and everyone else moves in with them.
Both options work, and both have their challenges. In short:
- If someone has a home big enough to fit everyone comfortably
- If people can move into an existing home without creating feelings of intrusion
- If money and resources aren’t available to get a new home
Then everyone moving into the current home of a polycule member will work.
- If no one has a home big enough to fit everyone comfortably
- If feelings of intrusion/invasion/possessiveness will be problem when a new person moves into an existing home
- If money and resources are available to get a new home
Then you are better off finding a new place you can all make into a home together.
Obviously, this isn’t hard-and-fast. Irene may worry about being too possessive of “her” space for other polycule members to move into her home smoothly, and there may not be enough money to get a new place.
Or everything may be perfect for the polycule to move into Charles and Diane’s home–more than large enough now that the kids have moved out and no worries that having Ann and Ronald move in will feel like an intrusion, or that Ann and Ronald will feel somehow like it isn’t “really” their home. But between them they have plenty saved for a security deposit on a good sized apartment closer to the city.
Ultimately, it is up to you and your polycule what will work for you. While we most often hear about a third moving in with an existing couple, every polycule’s situation is different. I’ve known triads to form from three single people and get a new home together, quads from two couples that merge their households, and giant open-floor commune-homes for several dozen polyfolk, even a couple of dedicated solo-polies getting a place together as roommates to save on rent and utilities.
And just because two polycules are both made up of three people doesn’t mean they have the same needs, resources, or desires in a home. The big thing to remember is unless life is forcing your hand (as does happen sometimes) DON’T RUSH.
Yes, NRE is urging you move in together IMMEDIATELY, and it would be so awesome and a nice boost to your finances. But take the time to find the situation that will work best for you and your partners. If you can’t create that situation immediately–if, for instance, you would feel most comfortable getting a new place together and can’t afford it right now–you might be better off waiting and saving money for a time rather than moving into an existing home as a second choice.