Pausing to Grieve (and book delay)

On Wednesday the 9th, or the 3rd of Sh’vat on the Hebrew calendar which will mark my mourning year, I got a call from my sister in Israel.

I knew before I answered the phone. Had more than half been expecting. Sepsis is a nasty, nasty infection and kills more than it’s share of perfectly healthy people.

Ima hasn’t been healthy in the entire time I’ve known her. Knew her.

She was buried on the 4th of Sh’vat and our week of sitting shiva began. I wasn’t able to keep shiva as fully as I’d have liked. There’s a reason all the mourners are supposed to come together for shiva with a community around them to help them mourn. I wasn’t completely alone, my rabbi was good about staying in touch, and some friends made time to ‘sit’ with me on Discord or by phone.  But I was more alone than I would have liked.

Shiva is over now, and I’m well into the first month of mourning. And… it’s pretty much the rollercoaster I expected.

Of all weeks, Kid chose week of shiva to get serious about taking up Magic the Gathering. In some ways, that’s been good. It’s been a low-pressure thing to spend time one when I can’t do anything but need to do something to stop the bad thoughts. (Not the grieving thoughts, those are healthy and needed. But most folks with mental health problems are familiar with the way healthy sad/angry/hurting thoughts can slide into unhealthy, damaging thoughts. So distraction at the right time can be good.)

In other ways, it’s been rough because he doesn’t always understand when I need to cut short a game, or just start crying randomly.

He never had a chance to know his savta. Neither did Kidling, of course, but she’s young enough this is all going over her head. He knows what death is, we’ve had pets that died. But he hasn’t before seen the kind of deep grief and mourning that comes with this kind of death.

Anyway, I’m babbling on more than I meant to. This post is sort of a heads up.

1st, I’m getting a post up about my Resolutions blog series this week. I don’t know for sure when I’ll start it again, though I hope to get back to it next week.

2nd, After agonizing about it since shiva ended, I’m going to need to push back the publication date for Safer Sex for the Non-Monogamous. I just can’t work on it right now. So instead of February 14th (it wasn’t intentional, but I loved the idea of publishing this book on Valentines Day, damn it!) it will be out on March 14th.

3rd, there are probably going to be times over the next few months/year when this blog is going to function as a sort of grieving journal for me.

See you (hopefully) next week.

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