There are only so many hours in a day. And given my general spooniness, I have less useful hours than actually exist.
Unfortunately, the things I want/need to do are excessive for my hours-available.
I reached a point several years ago where I couldn’t cut down my to-do list any further without unacceptable sacrifices. Some things simply can’t be cut out. Stuff like housework, laundry, food, medical stuff, kids’ school…
Other stuff, in theory, can be cut, but only by harming other people. Stuff like time with kids, or helping Michael with hygiene stuff, or driving Ericka to doctor’s appointments.
Then there’s the stuff that people I cut out of my life would tell me I should cut. Stuff like my writing, or this blog, or studying Spanish and Hebrew, or my exercise goals (no, I don’t need to be able to walk 4 miles or jog one mile without getting winded. I want to.) Or if I gave up keeping Shabbat, which would give me 24 more hours a week to get shit done… But I get to have stuff for me. I get to say “No, my life will not revolve around chores and taking care of other people. I get to take care of myself and my needs — emotional and spiritual as well as physical.”
there are still only so many hours in the day.
A Tangent Into Kink Adjacent Territory
Folks familiar with the online femdom community may be familiar with Ferns. Not as many folks will know that Ferns is something of a health nut and regularly corrals her friends and followers on twitter into various exercise pledges, ‘workout crews’ and other peer-pressure based stuff to get everyone off their butts and exercising. (She claims she does this because she needs the encouragement, but I think she just enjoys having an excuse to yell at folks for not doing what they are supposed to.) Since I’ve been trying to exercise more and get in shape for… honestly over a decade now, I’ve repeatedly let myself be roped in.
Most recently, she was talking about a twelve-week exercise challenge. And I distinctly remember telling her that by trying to complete one of her challenges (again) I was demonstrating the definition of insanity.
She laughed and said something to the effect that it never hurts to try or good on me for keeping trying or something like that.
Well, I made it through October. That’s something. But come November, something changed. It was becoming harder and harder to get myself out and exercising.
But! I was finally finding the energy to do actual cooked meals again for dinner. And making real progress on cleaning out the front closet.
Oh, and the bedroom finally got rearranged so I can use the dang bed again!
However, I didn’t put two and two together.
At one point, I was metaphorically crying on Ferns’ shoulder about how frustrating it was to be constantly ‘falling off the wagon.’ She encouraged me to keep trying, that I only had to get in a few more exercise sessions that week and I’d be okay. But also said that I had done well to get as far in the challenge as I did and that it’s okay if I need to drop out.
Something she said sparked a realization and I said, “I guess I expect myself to be superhuman.”
I Am Not Superhuman — but it feel like I need to be
I can’t do it all. I can’t do the cooked meals and walk 2+ miles a day and do Kid 1’s school, and the housework, and take care of myself, and and and and…
But I can’t stop doing any of those things either. Not and be, well, me.
So without realizing it, without noticing it, I came up with a sorta-system that sorta works. Some stuff, like school and medical stuff and a minimal level of food on the table, is always a priority. Everything else? Cycles. I barely wrote anything for several months, coinciding with when the school year started. As I adjusted to the school year, I started writing again, but meals and cleaning suffered. I started cooking and cleaning again, and no longer had the energy to exercise.
I did try to push through and keep exercising. Ferns really is good at the motivation thing. But when we all got sick and Kid 1 spent an entire night throwing up, I read the writing on the wall. I didn’t even try to exercise that week and have only gotten in a few half-assed workouts since then. But I know I’ll come back to it, probably after I’ve caught up with the laundry and made some progress on my Spanish lessons.
One way or another, it’ll come around again eventually.
I think I’ve finally accepted that.
I’m not superhuman. I can’t do it all at once. But I am actually managing to do it all, after a fashion. And that’s just so thoroughly… me.
*Normally I wouldn’t discuss someone else on my blog without asking their okay first. But all the stuff re Ferns is public on our Twitter profiles. Plus, if you are interested in femdom D/s (or any D/s, IMO), she has awesome stuff and you should check her out. Here’s her website: https://www.domme-chronicles.com/