Polyamory Hurts Kids? Not in the Real World

Any parent who chooses to enter a polyamorous relationship will sooner or later run into the charge that polyamory hurts kids, and they are being selfish by putting their desires over their kids’ well-being.

I recently ran across a blog post claiming to be based on psychological research that used big fancy words to say just that. I am taking the time to write an extra post this week specifically to refute this and other misinformation about raising kids in poly relationships.

First, the short version:

There is absolutely no evidence that children are harmed by healthy polyamorous relationships. (See: research list!)

There is some as yet inconclusive evidence that polyamory may provide benefits for children.

A lot more research needs to be done before anything else is known for certain.

The Long Version: Polyamory Doesn’t Hurt Kids

Most critics say that polyamory hurts kids in one of two ways:

  1. Unhealthy emotional development/abandonment issues—the idea is that because poly parents are constantly bringing new partners into their kids lives, who then leave again, children of poly parents face the equivalent of going through a divorce over and over again, but with bonus trauma. Because poly partners don’t get visitation rights, the kids will never again see the adults they have formed emotional bonds with.
  2. Family secrets—forcing children to keep family secrets places an unfair burden on them. Forcing children to lie to their peers, teachers, and other adults not only teaches them unethical behavior but is emotionally damaging. The alternative, lying to kids about their parents relationship, is obviously equally damaging, because sooner or later they will find out the truth and be hurt/resentful/betrayed about being lied to.

The idea that children of poly parents will be damaged in some way by their parents various partners coming in and out of their lives is an understandable concern. Though perhaps misplaced. According to sociologist Andrew Cherlin, “…family life in the United States involves more transitions than anywhere else. There is more marriage but also more divorce. There are more lone parents but also more repartnering. Cohabiting relationships are shorter. Over the course of people’s adult lives, there is more movement into and out of marriages and cohabiting relationships than in other countries (The Marriage-Go-Round, p. 19)”.

So let’s be blunt: the issue is not that polyamory is bad for children because poly relationships are unstable and transitory. Unstable and transitory relationships with adults can be unhealthy for children. Unstable and transitory relationships can happen in any type of relationship, but critics of polyamory assume it is more common to poly relationships than mono relationships.

The real question is, is there something about polyamory that encourages increased relationship instability in a way that affects kids? So far, the answer seems to be “No.”

Poly parents who have taken part in research studies have shared these concerns, and taken steps to reduce the impact on their kids. Common steps include:

  • Only introducing poly partners if/when the relationship is stable and can be expected to last a long time (and sometimes not even then.)
  • Encouraging kids to see poly partners as members of the parent’s general social circle of friends, and as such, not expected to necessarily be a permanent part of the kids lives.
  • Making an effort to give kids time with former poly partners, so that relationships between kid and ex can continue even though the relationships between the adults have ended. (You know, just like mono parents do when a relationship ends.)

The kids of poly parents who have taken part in studies haven’t shared their parents concerns, and have rarely expressed any sense of abandonment or trauma from their parent’s partners moving in and out of their lives.

As far as family secrets go, what research has been done suggests a variety of common sense approaches tends to prevent problems. Approaches such as simply being open about the family lifestyle, so there are no secrets to hide. Or teaching children about privacy and boundaries (much the way my parent’s taught me to respond to rude questions about why my brother didn’t look like the rest of the family—he and I were both adopted, but I was lucky enough to blend in with our adoptive family).

In fact, the only negative researchers have found to raising children in a poly household is the stigma they may face from those who don’t approve of polyamory. Even this stigma is less than many would expect because poly families tend to blend. Is that group of three “parents” a blended family of Mother, Father, and Step-mother? Or is that a couple and their best friend who is an unofficial “Aunt?” Most school officials, other kids, and playmates’ parents see multiple adults involved in raising kids every day of the week, so it just doesn’t raise eyebrows very often.

polyamory hurts kids
By Serolynne, Creative Commons LicensedCan you tell what relationship these adults have?

The Long Version: Polyamory May Help Kids

This section comes with tons of caveats. Basically, we just don’t have enough research, and the research we do have is not a wide enough sample. However, there is some evidence that polyamory may provide a better environment for children than monogamy.

Ian Baker provides a well thought out and compelling example of how he believes growing up in a poly family benefited him in his article “Growing Up Poor With Three Parents.”

Ian’s story is anecdotal, but it lines up very well with what research has found so far.

For kids, polyamory can mean:

  • More income, so they are better provided for
  • More adults to take of them
  • With more adults to take care of them, more rested and healthy adults who can give them more attention, time, and energy
  • The ability to have a stay at home parent and multiple incomes
  • And generally a number of other benefits that all boil down to “More adults=more resources=better for kids” whether those resources are skills, life experience, money, time, or anything else.

In Conclusion

Polyamory may or may not be good for kids (we’re waiting on more research), but there is absolutely no evidence that polyamory hurts them. The charge that polyamory hurts kids is the same line that has been used (and disproven) on interracial marriage, LGBT, and every other relationship that someone in society has disapproved of for personal reasons, dressed up in new clothes and flung at polyamory. As of this date (01/05/2015) anyone who claims they have evidence to the contrary is either misinformed or lying.

Finally, a disclaimer:

We need more research into the impact of polyamory on kids. No one who is honestly assessing the facts will disagree. The vast majority of existing research is small scale studies that need to be replicated in larger and more varied groups. There are multiple challenges facing researchers, including:

  1. Getting funding to study polyamory is very difficult
  2. Find a broad enough group of poly-folk for a truly large scale study is even more difficult
  3. The lack of preliminary research into polyamory (we don’t even have a good idea of how many people are polyamorous) makes it harder to do specific research, such as the impact on kids.

Anyone who claims that we know everything we need to know about the impact of polyamory on kids is just flat wrong. What we do know so far is that there is no evidence polyamory hurts kids, that unhealthy or unstable relationships of any variety are bad for kids, and the research so far is consistent across monogamous, heterosexual, LGBT, polyamorous and even kinky relationships: love, consistent parenting, and availability of resources are the keys to raising healthy, happy kids. Everything else is window-dressing.

Book Review: Raf and the Robots

Raf and the Robots children's book for poly familiesRaf is a young boy who loves to write. He even writes at the dinner table where he sits with his family. A family which includes three adults and two other children. Raf’s latest story is about robots, but when he tries to find someone to read it, no one has time! Thinking no one cares about his story, Raf crumples it up and throws it away, but when they finish they’re chores, everyone wants to hear Raf’s story.

Raf and the Robots is an illustrated children’s book featuring an unconventional nuclear family. What kind of unconventional family? Who knows? The three adults in Raf’s life aren’t labelled, allowing chidren to decide for themselves if Raf’s family is a blended family, poly triad, couple with surrogate, couple with friend/relative living with them, of anything else they can imagine.

When I first heard about Raf and the Robots I was hopeful but not excited. Writing children’s books isn’t easy (says the author who can’t manage it), and to do it without introducing the adults as fitting some pre-defined category is even more challenging. I was delightfully surprised when I read the review copy I received. Raf and the Robots is a well written and engaging story. Unlike many children’s stories about non-normative families, it doesn’t focus on Raf’s family. The story is about Raf’s need for someone to pay attention to his story, and how he learns that just because someone says “not now,” it doesn’t mean “not ever.” In this, Raf’s experience reflects what Dr. Eli Sheff found when interviewing children of poly families–family is just a part of Raf’s reality, not what his life is about.

I highly recommend Raf and the Robots for children and families. For children whose families include more than two adults, it will be a welcome chance to see their family reflected in the stories they read, for conventional families, it will show children that other family styles exist, and for all children it’s just a good story.

Raf and the Robots is the first book in the Stories for Unique Families series. It’s available as an ebook on Amazon, Apple, and Kobo, or as a hardcover on the Stories for Unique Families website.

 

(Originally posted Sept 28, 2014. This post contains affiliate links.)

The Polyamorists Next Door, now on Amazon

Hey folks, the amazing Dr. Eli Sheff’s new book, The Polyamorists Next Door, is out now on Amazon.

“It is the first book to use empirical evidence from a 15-year study of polyamorous families with children to explore this rapidly-growing relationship style. Hot off the presses, it is the perfect gift for the reader/seeker/counselor/teacher in your life.”

I’ll be getting a review up later this week [edit: Here’s my review], in the meantime, I highly encourage you to go order a copy now. If not for yourself, then for the people in your life—family, friends, professionals—who could benefit from learning a lot about the reality of poly families.

Marriage and monogamy are not what they used to be, and today many couples are opting to start families before getting married, or deciding not to get married at all. At the same time, gay couples in states that recognize same-sex marriage are getting married in droves. Some people prefer non-monogamy and have relationships that include swinging and polyamory. The landscape of American marriage and relationships is changing, and a variety of family systems are developing and becoming more common.The Polyamorists Next Door introduces polyamorous families, in which people are free to pursue emotional, romantic, and sexual relationships with multiple people at the same time, openly and with support from their partners, sometimes forming multi-partner relationships, or other arrangements that allow for emotional and sexual freedom within the family system. In colorful and moving details, this book explores how polyamorous relationships come to be, grow and change, manage the ins and outs of daily family life, and cope with the challenges they face both within their families and from society at large. Using polyamorists own words, Dr. Elisabeth Sheff examines polyamorous households and reveals their advantages, disadvantages, and the daily lives of those living in them.While polyamorous families are increasingly common, fairly little is known about them outside of their own social circles or of the occasional media sensationalism. This book provides information that will be useful for professionals with polyamorous clients, educators who wish to understand or teach about polyamory, and especially people who wish to better understand polyamory themselves or explain it to their potential partners, adult children, or in-laws.

(This post includes affiliate links.)