Category: Legal Stuff

Legal Status of Polygamy/Bigamy: US N-Ne

Jess Mahler

Again, mostly just adding links to Jason Cherry’s much better summaries, just click the state names to go to the relevant summary. And fixing some typos and such. Edited Oct 20, 2018)

Dealing with craziness this week. Posts may be short or erratic. Happy new years all.

The following is not intended as legal advice.

Nebraska: Bigamy is a misdemeanor in Nebraska, and only applies to multiple legal marriages, so unlike some states given the appearance of being married to multiple people isn’t a problem as long as there is no more than 1 legal marriage. There are no laws against fornication or adultery. One source lists a law against cohabitation, though I couldn’t find it on a quick search of the Nebraska legislatures website.

Over all, polyam folk in Nebraska won’t have any problems as long as they don’t seek multiple legal marriages. If there is a cohabitation law, than polyam folk who are not legally married are better off not living together.

Nevada: Bigamy is a felony in Nevada, other wise the laws are pretty much the same as Nebraska’s above. Bigamy only applies to multiple legal marriages, and there are no laws against fornication, adultery or cohabitation.

Another good place to be polyam, just don’t try and get legally married twice and you are good.

New Hampshire: Bigamy is a felony in New Hampshire, but it applies only to the person with multiple marriages, and not to their spouses. Like Nebraska and Nevada it applies only to legal marriages. There is a law against adultery, but no law against fornication or cohabitation.

Overall, if no one is legally married, than a polyam family or network in New Hampshire shouldn’t have any problems. Once there is a legal marriage there is a possibility of charges being brought for adultery.

New Jersey: Bigamy is a misdemeanor in New Jersey, and applies to the appearance of multiple marriages, as well as actually being married more than once. There are laws regarding adultery, but they only apply in situations of divorce, basically putting an adulterer in a worst position in divorce and custody cases. There are no laws against fornication or cohabitation, and common law marriages are not recognized.

Anyone who isn’t legally married, and doesn’t present themselves as married should be alright in New Jersey. The adultery laws applying only to divorce cases means that polyam folk who are married should be alright as well, as long as they are careful to not act like they are married to more than one person.

New Mexico: Bigamy is a felony and applies to both the person with multiple marriages and the second person they marry. The law is only concerned with actual marriages, but not with the appearance of marriage. There are civil laws regarding adultery – specifically it can be used against a person in a divorce case, and the person the adulterer was in a relationship can be sued in civil court for ‘alienation of affection’ – basically ‘you ruined my marriage and now your going to pay me for it’. There are no laws against fornication or cohabitation.

Polyam folk who are not married or who do not seek multiple legal marriages generally will not have problems in New Mexico. If a legal marriage ends, than polyamory may lead to civil law suits and a bad divorce settlement.

New York: New York considers bigamy a felony and adultery a misdemeanor and both can land jail time. Oh – and presenting yourself as married to multiple people is just as bad as being married to multiple people. There is no law against fornication or cohabitation.

Best bet for polyam folk in New York is just don’t get married.

(Originally posted January 2012)

Legal Status of Polygamy/Bigamy: US M

Jess Mahler20 Comments

It was in writing this post that I first discovered Jason Cherry’s work. In addition to his state law reviews he has a number of other essays and reviews of US law re: non-monogamy. If you have any interest in legal status of non-monogamy or potential to change laws regarding non-monogamy, Jason’s blog is a good place to check out.

Once again I’m just updating for typos and grammar and putting in the direct link to Jason Cherry’s review for that state. Updated September 28, 2017

For those who celebrate, wishing a Merry Christmas.

As always, not intended as legal advice, just general info, consult a lawyer, etc etc.

For anyone interested in more detail on the laws and what not, Jason at Non-Monogamous Discourse has been much more thorough than I have in digging out exactly what the relevant laws are and say. He does tend to be a bit heavy on the legalese, which includes citations of relevant laws so anyone interested can look them up for themselves.

Maine:

Jason Cherry’s review

If I am reading the legalese right, only the person with two spouses is guilty of bigamy under Maine’s law, his or her second spouse is not criminalized, which is different from most states. Bigamy is a misdemeanor in Maine. The state has laws against adultery, but none against fornication or co-habitation and does not recognize common-law marriage. The adultery law only comes into play if your legal spouse brings charges, or during a divorce, otherwise it isn’t an issue.

Over all, Maine is one of the better states for polyamory, just make sure your spouse (if you have one) is on board, and you are good.

Maryland:

Jason Cherry’s review

Bigamy is a felony in Maryland, another one that seems to only charge the person who marries twice. The statute (again, if I am reading the legalese right) states that a second marriage ceremony is grounds for bigamy charge, so even if you aren’t legally married to two people, if you have a ceremony of some sort you will be in violation. Also like Maine, there is a law against adultery, but not fornication or co-habitation, and no common-law marriages. Adultery gets a $10 fine and grounds for divorce.

I think it is safe to say that as long as you don’t have ceremonies celebrating your relationships in Maryland, you can do pretty much whatever. Personally, I’d consider a $10 fine and grounds for divorce on adultery a non-issue. If someone wants to divorce me they can whether or not there has been adultery, and $10 is not that big a deal for most people.

Massachusetts:

Jason Cherry’s review

Another felony state that only charges the person with two spouses, except that Mass also considers it bigamy if you cohabit with the second partner, whether or not there is a marriage or any claim of the second partner as a spouse. Unfortunately, Massachusetts fits its uptight, puritanical stereotype with laws against fornication, adultery and ‘lewd and lascivious  behavior’ any or all of which may be used against polyam folk.

The laws aside, there have been several poly family in Massachusetts who have gone public and spoken with the media about their lifestyle, and to the best of my knowledge not have any legal consequences. So while technically polyam living in Massachusetts are in a bad place, in actuality you may be alright, even if you don’t fly completely under the radar.

Michigan:

Jason Cherry’s review

Michigan is something of an oddball with a bunch of not-quite related laws that add up to a mess I wouldn’t want to begin to decipher. For instance, on bigamy – it is illegal to contract a second marriage, next section of the law says that a second marriage is automatically void; yet this marriage that is voided even as it happens is still a felony. Oh – and an interesting twist that doesn’t apply to polyam families but shows someone in Michigan used their brain once upon a time: if a person enters into a second marriage believing their first marriage was over (due to divorce, death, etc) and it turns out that the first marriage hadn’t ended, than the children of the second marriage are legitimate, even though legally the marriage never existed.

In addition to bigamy laws there are laws against fornication, adultery and cohabitation, and from what Jason dug up an interesting law against teaching people about polygamy. Makes me wonder how Sunday Schools in Michigan address all of Solomon’s wives. The law against adultery only comes into play if the adulterer’s spouse objects.

Over all, Michigan is a good state to try and keep under the radar. There doesn’t seem to be any way to legally pursue a polyamorous relationship in the state. However many of the laws against it are the sort that have been on the books for ages and are rarely used any more. (Otherwise half of the college students in Michigan would be on first name basis with the judge for fornication charges.)

Minnesota:

Jason Cherry’s review

Bigamy is a felony in Minnesota, and includes an odd cohabitation clause. Basically it is illegal to cohabit with a spouse you have married bigamously in another state. I would assume this is because they can’t prosecute you for what you do outside the state’s borders (ie the marriage). There is a law against adultery, though it only comes into play if the spouse objects. The fornication law is an odd ball – it is illegal for man to have sex with an unmarried woman. So as long as the woman is married, it isn’t fornication. Of course, then it is adultery. While I didn’t find it my review of laws that apply to polygamy/bigamy, I expect there was a sodomy law at some point that covered sex between people of the same gender.

Given that adultery only comes into play if the spouse objects, a married woman is in the best situation as far as polyamory is concerned in Minnesota – as long as her spouse is ok with it she shouldn’t be able to be charged with anything. Similarly a person who is involved with a married woman is ok, and two married couples or similar set ups should get by fine as long as they don’t live together (that cohabitation clause technically only applies to bigamy from out of state, but no reason to take chances). As soon as there is an unmarried woman, a spouse who objects, or a second marriage, the law will theoretically take issue.

Mississippi:

Jason Cherry’s review

Bigamy is a felony in Mississippi. There is also a law against adultery, which also covers fornication between people who aren’t married (how that fits under adultery I doubt I’ll ever understand). There is a caveat that the adultery law can only come into play is it is habitual, so a one night stand won’t get anyone in trouble but a regular partner might. Like Michigan there is a law against teaching polygamy, and a law against having children outside of marriage.

The no teaching polygamy technically shouldn’t apply to polyamory, but there is no guarantee a judge will see it that way. Overall, Mississippi is very inhospitable to polyam folk, though in theory most cops have better things to do with their time than chase down fornicators and adulterers. (Of course in theory most cops have better things to do with their time than harass people for walking while black. It will be easier for some folks–white, financially well off, hetero, etc, to avoid legal trouble.)

Missouri:

Jason Cherry’s review

In Missouri it is bigamy whether you actually get married to a second person, or simply act like you are married to a second person. On the other hand, bigamy is a misdemeanor, so it isn’t as big a deal as it might be. I have one source saying there is a law against adultery but it is only a crime if the spouse objects, another source says there is no law against adultery. In general I consider the source saying there is no law more reliable, but better safe. There is no fornication law, and no mention anywhere of a law against cohabitation.

Missouri is a decent state for polyam folk, over all. If no one in the polyam network/relationship/whatnot is married you are good to go. If someone is married make sure that any spouses are happy with the set up and that the legally married folks are in no way presenting the appearance of being married to another person and it should be good.

Montana:

Jason Cherry’s review

Another state where bigamy is a misdemeanor. Also no fornication or adultery laws, though one source mentions a law against cohabitation. Like Missouri acting like you are married (purporting is the technical term) can get you in trouble over the bigamy law. Purporting can include calling a partner husband/wife/spouse, claiming to be married to them, filing taxes together, etc.

Generally decent spot to be polyamorous. Living in separate residences, or living just with a legally married spouse avoids any cohabitation law that may exist, and then just make sure to keep from presenting as married to more than 1 person and everything is good.

Ok, there are a lot of M states here, it’s late and I’m exhausted. So stopping here for the night. Be well all.

Legal Status of Polygamy/Bigamy: US H-L

Jess Mahler

As noted last week, instead of trying to update this series myself, I’m linking each state to Jason Cherry’s much more thorough and cited reviews. Some changes for grammar/typos/etc. Updated 9/28/17

As usual, this is for general info purposes and is not intended a legal advice.

Hawaii:

Jason Cherry’s review

Okay, Hawaii is a damn good place to be polyamorous. It has no laws against fornication, adultery or cohabitation. There is also no specific law on the book against bigamy.

The law does specify that a marriage license will only be granted to a person who is not already married, so getting legally married to a second person would require lying when filling out a government form. I’m not sure what the technical offense would be, but my sources say it will earn you 30 days in jail. However, as long as you don’t apply for a marriage license under false pretenses and don’t get legally married to a second person, you can live together, have a religious wedding ceremony, have sex with whoever, and generally have your relationship in any configuration, living arrangement, or polyamorous snuggle any way you like.

Idaho:

Jason Cherry’s review

Bigamy is punishable by a fine of at least $2000 and/or jail time that may be up to 3 years. Adultery is also against the law, though fornication is not. Idaho used to recognize common law marriages, it now recognizes common law marriages formed before 1996 but will not recognize new ones. As far as I can find it does not have laws against cohabitation.

In Idaho you are okay to be polyam as long as you don’t get married. Throw marriage in the mix with polyam and you are in violation of the adultery statute (which like many such is almost never used) or the bigamy statute, which has flexible requirements for proving that a second marriage took place: “Upon a trial for bigamy, it is not necessary to prove either of the marriages by the register, certificate, or other record evidence thereof, but the same may be proved by such evidence as is admissible to prove a marriage in other cases” – whatever that means.

Illinois:

Jason Cherry’s review

Adultery and fornication are both illegal in Illinois, but only if they are ‘open and notorious’. Illinois does not have a specific law against cohabitation, but only because if you cohabit while married you are guilty of bigamy whether or not there was ever a second ceremony. Illinois considers bigamy to be a felony.

Given the rarity of fornication prosecutions, you are probably alright in Illinois if you live together and are not married to anyone. If you are married and are polyamorous but only live with your marriage partner you will probably be alright as long as everyone is happy with the arrangement – while they can prosecute for adultery whether or not the spouse was in agreement with the relationship it probably won’t be an issue unless you end up in divorce court. Being married with one polyam partner and living with a second polyam partner opens you up to bigamy charges. As said regarding other states, you can probably fly under the radar and be alright but if you come to official notice there may be problems.

Indiana:

Jason Cherry’s review

One of the simplest bigamy laws so far, Indiana sums it all up in two sentences. If you are married, and marry again you are guilty of bigamy. Unless your marriage was legally over due to death or divorce. Bigamy is a felony in Indiana. Indiana has no law against fornication or cohabitation, and does not recognize common law marriage. It does have laws against adultery but they only come into play if your spouse charges you with adultery.

Basically as long you don’t try to legally marry two people, and everyone is happy with the arrangement, you can do polyamory anyway you like in Indiana.

Iowa:

Jason Cherry’s review

Iowa classes bigamy as a ‘serious misdemeanor’ which comes into play if a person marries more than one person. Since Iowa recognizes common law marriage, this can get complicated. If you live together, imply and/or intend that you are married, and present yourselves as married (refer to each other as husband and wife [or husband and husband, etc] – the gold standard for ‘presenting yourselves as married’ is filing joint tax returns.) you can be in a common law marriage, which may end up with a bigamy charge if you are already married, under common law or otherwise, to someone else. Iowa has laws against adultery, but they are not currently enforced and will only be an issue in the case of a divorce. There are no laws against fornication.

So, as long as you do not present yourselves as married, and are not in danger of ending up in divorce court, you can live together, live separately, opening be in relations with and generally have lots of fun with your polyam partners. Just be very careful about not ending up in a common law marriage if you are already married.

(As a side note, the legalization of gay marriage in Iowa opens some problems regarding common law marriage, as some gay and lesbian couples may be legally married under common law without realizing it.)

Kansas:

Jason Cherry’s review

Bigamy is a felony in Kansas, which comes into play when a person marries a second person. Period, no curlicues. Common law marriage is recognized in Kansas. You cannot end up in a common law marriage if you are already married, regardless of living together, intent, presenting yourself as married or anything else, so there is no chance of unintentionally ending up in a bigamous relationship because you live with two polyam partners or someone you are not married to. Kansas also has laws against adultery that only come into play in a divorce. There are no laws against cohabitation or fornication.

Generally, polyamory will not cause problems in Kansas as long as any legally married spouse is happy with the arrangements and you aren’t trying to get two legal marriages.

Kentucky:

Jason Cherry’s review

If you marry or claim to be married to a second person in Kentucky you are guilty of bigamy. Also, if you have married someone in another state and live with someone else in Kentucky you are guilty of bigamy whether you claim to be married to the second person or not. Kentucky does have laws against adultery, but no laws against fornication or cohabitation, and it does not recognize common law marriages.

Overall, if you are not married in Kentucky you can do pretty much anything you want, relationship-wise. If you are married as long as you don’t claim to be married to two people and your legally married spouse is happy with the situation you are good. The kink in the works: if you and your spouse married outside of Kentucky, you cannot live with another polyamorous partner without violating the anti-bigamy law.

Louisiana:

Jason Cherry’s review

The act of marrying a second spouse in Louisiana, or living with a second spouse you married elsewhere, both constitute bigamy and are illegal. Adultery is illegal but can only get you in trouble if your spouse objects. Fornication and cohabitation are perfectly legal.

So, don’t get married and you are good however, if you are married and your spouse is okay with polyamory and/or is also polyamorous, you are good however, if you to get legally married twice or you spouse does not agree with poly, or changes their mind at a later date, you may have problems.

Next up: US states M

 

Legal Status of Polygamy/Bigamy: United States A-G

Jess Mahler4 Comments

I delayed dealing with this series of posts because I wasn’t sure how to approach them. One thing I’ve knows is I don’t have the spoons and/or resources to do a proper job of updating and fixing all the problems (like lack of citations) with how I approached this series.

Ultimately, while it is several years out of date, Jason Cherry’s review of Non-Monogamous Families and the Law is better than anything I can manage, which is why I stopped this series in the first place! So what I’m going to do is fix the typos and stuff and link each state to Jason’s relevant post. Updated 9/28/17.

With the Canadian courts due to rule on the country’s anti-polygamy law in less than two weeks, this seems to be a topical time to review the laws regarding polygamy and their impact on polyamory. I’ll be starting with the laws in the US, and will also look at laws in a few other countries (mostly the ones I get visitors from regularly.) If you would like your country included, feel free to let me know and I’ll see what I can find. (Sorry folks, this was the plan but it ended up being beyond me.)

Polygamy/Bigamy Laws in the United States:

The only extant federal laws against polygamy dates from the late 1800s and applies only to US territories that are directly administered by the federal government. (Here’s looking at you Puerto Rico!) While I haven’t found the full text of the laws, the general idea of the first made it a felony to marry a second person while still married to your first spouse. The second closed a loop hole in the first saying that a person who was married could not legally co-habit with a member of the opposite sex other than their spouse.

Laws specific to the individual territories may add to these restrictions, but under federal law a polyamorous relationship isn’t a problem as long you don’t live with anyone other than you legal spouse, or simply don’t get married.

Every state in the US has laws against bigamy, some class it as a misdemeanor others as a felony. One website trying to get people worked up against bigamy claims with much outrage that in every state bigamy is punished less harshly that driving under the influence. Personally, I want to know what is wrong with a person who thinks having an extra marriage deserves worse punishment than endangering innocents by driving a vehicle which likely weighs over a ton while in unsound state of mind.

Many states have laws against adultery and fornication. These are generally misdemeanors and very rarely enforced, so generally not something to worry about. However if you draw legal attention and they can’t get with you anything else, they may throw these at you. Fornication laws are probably unconstitutional based on a 1965 decision of the Supreme Court regarding personal privacy, but they have never been challenged as such. Probably because it is easier to pay a small fine and ignore it than fight a years long legal battle over said fine.

In general, states don’t go looking for people who violate laws regarding cohabiting, so keep your head down and you are probably alright.

Alabama:

Jason Cherry’s Review

Alabama outlaws getting married a second time while still married to your first spouse. It is also illegal to go to another state to marry someone else while married to someone in Alabama. Alabama also has laws against co-habitation.

In general, Alabama laws say you cannot live with someone you are not married to and cannot be married to more than one person. There may also be laws against adultery and fornication.

In Alabama if you wish to be polyamorous you are best off living on your own and not getting married. Than you only need to worry about the fornication law which is almost never enforced.

Alaska:

Jason Cherry’s review

In Alaska, it is a misdemeanor to marry someone who is already married, marry someone when you are already married, or participate in a marriage involving more than two people. Cohabiting is also illegal. As is adultery and fornication.

Pretty much the same as Alabama, except that bigamy is a misdemeanor instead of a felony.

Arizona:

Jason Cherry’s review

Bigamy (marrying a second person) is a felony in Arizona. Of note, only the person wedded to multiple people is in violation of the law, not the second person they marry. Arizona does not have laws against cohabiting. Adultery and fornication are illegal, but cohabiting is not.

Not a bad state to be polyamorous, actually. You can legally live together and not be up for anything worse than a slap on the wrist for violating a practically never-used law.

Arkansas

Jason Cherry’s review

California:

Jason Cherry’s review

California has no laws against fornication, adultery or cohabitation. So you can live together with your polyamorous snuggle, or you can get married and live with just your legal spouse, and in either case it is all good. Unless you have the money to pay a $10,000 fine and/or spend up to a year in prison, don’t marry more than one person.

Colorado:

Jason Cherry’s review

In Colorado, it counts as bigamy whether you marry a second person or cohabit with a second person while married. Colorado is notable for having a tradition of not enforcing this law unless you draw attention to yourself or violate more serious laws (such as in the Warren Jeffs case which involved forced child marriage and rape).

Connecticut:

Jason Cherry’s review

Bigamy is a felony in Connecticut and it applies both to legally marrying more than one person and to presenting yourself as married to a second person when already married to a first. So a polyamorous woman in a triad with two men who calls both of them her husband, even if she is only legally married to one, is in violation of this law.

Connecticut also has a law against adultery that can only be brought up by the offended spouse. So if everyone is happy, the state doesn’t care. If your legal spouse changes their mind, you may by charged with adultery.

There are no laws against co-habitting, or fornication, so as long as you aren’t married, or are married to only one person and everyone is happy, you are good to be polyamorous in Connecticut.

Delaware:

Jason Cherry’s review

Pretty much a repeat of Connecticut.

District of Columbia:

Jason Cherry’s review

Technically not a state, but relevant here. Marrying a second person, or marrying someone who is already married earns a prison sentence of a minimum of 2 years. Fornication is not a crime in D.C., but adultery may be, and it may be possible to end up in a common law marriage (if you live together long enough you are considered married) my sources are unclear on that one.

Basically don’t get married and don’t live together and you can practice polyamory all you want. If you want to get married to someone, or live together, make sure you get legal advice regarding adultery and/or common law marriages in D.C.

Florida:

Jason Cherry’s review

Laws make bigamy a felony and cohabiting, adultery and fornication are illegal (wonder when they’re going to start enforcing that last on Spring Break?) Not generally a good place to be polyamorous.

Georgia:

Jason Cherry’s review

Cohabiting with a second person, whether you are married to them or not, falls under the bigamy law in Georgia, which has a minimum sentence of 1 year imprisonment. Adultery and fornication are also illegal, and considered misdemeanors.

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Polyamory and Children: Legal Stuff

Jess Mahler3 Comments

Minimal changes here. A few years ago I expanded this topic into a short series. Revised 4/13/17.

I wasn’t planning on tackling this topic for a while yet, but I’m afraid I can’t think of anything else to write on about polyam and children right now. Not because there isn’t much more to say, but because of my own life.

As I’ve mentioned before I was recently involved in a custody situation in which polyamory was made an issue. Largely on the basis of polyamory, the children were taken from me and their father (my ex) and given to their grandparents. Unfortunately I don’t have the money to appeal, and couldn’t get it in the time allowed. (I usually stay out of political stuff, just to jaded I guess, but the fact that if you can’t afford to spend several thousand dollars with less than a month’s notice means you can’t appeal, really gives well off folks a massive advantage in the civil ‘justice’ system, IMO.)

The laws regarding polyamory (and other forms of multi-linking) and children vary significantly from state to state, and country to country, but the general summary in the US is this:

With very rare exceptions, child protective services will not involve themselves unless there is clear evidence of neglect or abuse. Even if there are states whose laws allow the children to be taken away solely on the basis of lifestyle, CPS (or whatever name they go by in a given state) rarely cares, because they are overworked dealing with real cases of child abuse, abandonment and other horrors. So, living openly poly will not generally create any risk of losing your children.

If, however, you ever get involved in a custody battle, being polyamorous may put you at a disadvantage. If both parents have previously been involved in polyamorous relationships, and there is no third party, being poly really can’t have an effect (you’re objecting to your ex being in a type of relationship you’ve been in also? Don’t waste my time). If one parent is poly and the other has never been polyam, or if there is a third party involved, than polyamory can hurt you in a custody case. CAN. As PolyMom discussed in her blog several months ago, and I have experienced myself, it is fully possible for poly to brought up in a custody case and utterly ignored (“When I started as a judge back in 19XX, we called this kind of thing having extra resources. I don’t want to hear about it.”)

Being openly poly with children does not need to open you up to legal liabilities or create any risk of losing your children. However, if you do not explore polyamory until after you and your children’s other parent have separated or divorced, and the other parent is not involved in polyamory, you may put yourself at a disadvantage in custody cases. Your two options to avoid this risk are to either be a closet poly, or, if you think your ex may be open minded about poly, to go openly to them, discuss your desire to be polyamorous. If you are open about your lifestyle with them, and they don’t take issue with it immediately, than they will have a hard time trying to take issue with it in the future. Unfortunately, not exposing children to polyamory does not necessarily protect you. Even if your children have no knowledge of your lifestyle, never met any of your partners, etc etc; the fact that you engage in poly may still be seen as evidence that you are an unhealthy influence on your children do to your willingness to engage in polyamory.

The bottom line legally right now is that except in rare states that have specific laws regarding how non-conventional relationships should affect custody decisions, whether or not polyamory can hurt you in a custody case depends entirely on the judge and his or her personal take. If you have a judge who is prejudiced, or simply unaware of the reality of polyamory and the evidence that it is not harmful for children you can be in trouble. If you have a judge who is open minded and not against unconventional relationships, it may not effect the case at all.

(Originally posted January 2012)

Yay Life Insanity! (And Canadian Court Cases)

Jess Mahler

Most of this “not posting this week” posts I’ll end up deleting rather than editing and updating, because, well, a post saying “I won’t be posting today” 5+ years ago isn’t exactly relevant now, ya know? But this one also contains my immediate reaction to the big court case in Canada that challenged Canada’s anti-polygamy laws. At the time I wrote this I hadn’t yet dug into the details of the court’s decision. It was unfortunately the same tired, old reasoning that “we need laws against polygamy so we can stop child abusers” which has been trotted out time and again. As if we didn’t already have laws on the books against child abusers or something, ya know?

Also, fuck Thanksgiving. Seriously. I’m embarrassed how long it took me to realize how shitty that holiday is, and if you haven’t realized it yet, stop and think about what it means to Native Americans to celebrate the arrival of Europeans on this continent. Or to black folks to celebrate the origin of a colonial empire that kidnapped, raped, and murdered their ancestors by the millions. Lovely thing to have a party about. Not.

The webcomic I referenced here is sadly (thankfully) defunct. I love webcomics and was really frustrated with the lack of polyam-related webcomics. So I decided to create my own. But I can’t draw for shit… Reposted with commentary March 30, 2017.

PS. Comments about how “I celebrate thanksgiving as a time to be with family” yada yada will be deleted. You want to celebrate family togetherness, great, how about creating a new holiday that isn’t steeped in colonialism and genocide?

So life really got away from me this week, sorry all. I’ll be posting a late update to the webcomic sometime today or tomorrow. Hope to be fully back on track next week.

I will be skipping the normal Polyamory and Children post today because of the holiday, and I hope everyone has a happy Thanksgiving/Turkey Day. (Even if you don’t celebrate, you can still have a good day, right?)

On the subject of things to be thankful for, the Canadian Anti-Polygamy case ruling was released yesterday. I know there is a huge mixed reaction to the ruling (the short version for anyone who hasn’t heard is that having multiple marriages remains illegal, but the judge clarified that multiple relationships, including living together/common law relationships are not illegal as long as there is no ceremony to formalize the relationships). While it is not the outcome many polyam folk and polyam-supporters were hoping for, it is indeed a step in the right direction. So let’s be thankful for small steps, even as we keep working for more progress.

(originally posted November 2011)

A Personal Digression: Custody Case

Jess Mahler

I’ve fixed a few typos here and changed one instance of “polies” to “polyam folk.” Otherwise this is exactly as I posted it in the fall of 2011, including signed with a name I no longer use. My ex’s lawyer did in fact print this post out and ask me, while on the witness stand, to read my letter to the judge. Sadly, the judge was exactly as bigoted as I was afraid, and, well, the case ended badly. Though some long term good did come of it. Re-posted (but NOT revised) March 1, 2017.

I have nothing to say about pregnancy today. I’m having a bit of trouble focusing on much of anything at the moment.

You see, the fact that I write this blog is being used against me in a custody case. Posts from this blog have been printed out and brought into hearings to prove that I engage in polyamory and am therefore an unfit parent.

In a few weeks, I will be going into court for the custody trial. A court that will not care about all the research proving that polyamory is a healthy and ethical lifestyle, the published studies by Dr. Elizabeth Sheff, Dr. Geri Weitzman, and so many others. A court that will have no interest in the paper by law professor Ann Tweedy the Michigan University College of Law examining polyamory and its possible status as a sexual orientation and/or embedded personality trait (ie not a choice but a part of a person). A court that will be prejudging me – the root word of prejudice – based on nothing other then an assumption that anything other then monogamy is wrong, even though there is no evidence, no basis, no reason, other then knee-jerk ‘that’s not the way things are supposed to be’ emotional reaction behind the judging.

My saving grace is that for over a year I have only been in a relationship with my fiance, Michael. That I have previously written, on this blog, that that is the only relationship I am in.

Part of me is disgusted at my cowardice. That I am willing to hide behind that fact and not stand up in court and openly denounce their prejudice and hypocrisy. That I am not willing to fight for a lifestyle that is in no way unsafe or dangerous for my children.

But I can’t risk my children. And if the court demands that I live monogamously from now on I will do so.

Because I am judged guilty without benefit of trial.

I’ve seen the arguments in the community about whether polyam folk should push for legal rights, become politically active. So many say that ‘we shouldn’t rock the boat’, that ‘as long as keep our heads down we will be fine’, that ‘there is no point in exposing ourselves’.

Well, the courts will not educate themselves. The laws will not change themselves. And until other people stand up and say this is wrong, the attacks that are being made on me will keep happening to other people.

And what the hell, since I know people are printing out my blog to show the judge:

Your Honor,

If you should happen to read this, I will say here that to allow polyamory to be used against me in court, without knowledge of the nature of the lifestyle, or research which has been done on it is wrong. That there is no basis or reason to believe that polyamory is dangerous to my children, and that regardless of anything else, if I did choose to have other relationships when my children are with their father it would not affect them at all and should be nobody’s business but my own and my fiance’s.

Maybe this post will be used against me as well. Will you judge on my beliefs, your Honor? Does my willingness to say openly that there is nothing wrong with alternative lifestyles automatically make me an unfit parent, whether I engage in those lifestyles or not?

I will continue writing this blog, your Honor. I will continue to support everyone’s right to pursuit of happiness and freedom of expression – those grand words that are so often trampled in the cry of ‘shame! immoral! shame!’ with no basis other than the righteous indignation of those who think there is only one right way.

I just wish I was brave enough to stand up in court and say all this there.

Sincerely,
Jessica Burde

Family Names: Legal Stuff

Jess Mahler

Nothing much changed here. Laws in the UK and the US don’t seem to have changed much the last few years. If know anything about the laws in other countries, please share in the comments! Revised Jan 29, 2017.

Disclaimer part 1: I am not a lawyer, or more than a moderately competent researcher, please do not consider any info here as legal advice.

Disclaimer part 2: I am surprised and gratified by the international following this blog has picked up. There are readers from several different countries in Europe, England, Australia, Canada and possibly more. That said, I’m an (insert preferred pejorative) American.  I will occasionally (as with the UK below) stretch my research skills to dig up legal info for other countries. In general, legal stuff will be strictly US law.

So, that said, let’s get to the good stuff.

As discussed in the first post on family names,  some polyam family groups want to share a family name. For some families, having a name that they use day-to-day will be enough. Others will want to go the legal route and make their polyam family name official.

UK Name Change Laws

When it comes to name changes, folks across the pond have it sweet  – though not as sweet as it was ten years ago. In order to change your name in the UK, legally and officially, you fill out a ‘Deed  Poll’, sign it before an ‘independent witness’ (which from examples given means someone not related to you) and . . . that seems to be pretty much it. You can have the deed poll written up by a solicitor or by a company that specializes in them. Be careful– some companies’ deed poll documents aren’t universally accepted. Have to admit I’m not clear on that bit.

Anyway, once you have your deed poll, you provide a copy to your bank, the UK equivalent of the DMV, and any other official document organization you need to in order to get all your documents showing your new name. According to UK Deed Poll Service,  you should only need to pay for an updated passport. You’d need to pay UK Deed Poll Service 33 pounds for the first deed poll, and a reduced fee for others ordered at the same time.

There are places on the  internet that claim that a deed poll isn’t necessary and you can just start using a new name. From what I’ve been able to find, that was true up until 9/11, but new laws since then have made the deed poll mandatory.

American Name Changes

Ok, so welcome to confusion and insanity.

  • Federal law and legal precedent give two very contradictory pieces of information regarding changing your name:
  • Any person can change their name at any time, just by starting to use the new name. There’s some caveat’s and quibbles, but that’s the gist.

State’s have the right to determine who is allowed to change their name, and what the process will be.

Welcome to the joys of federation.

As near as I can parse this contradiction, you can simply start using a new name for anything that doesn’t require proof of ID. No one can stop you using whatever name you want. However, the standard proof of ID is issued by the states. So if you want to update your state issued ID (and thus open a bank account, get a job or do anything else that requires ID) under your new name, you need to jump through the state-ordained hoops.

While  these hoops do vary, the general tendency includes filing a petition for name change (and paying a filing fee), going before a judge to  explain why you want the name change (and paying court fees), going  through whatever additional steps are necessary (PA requires you to  publish the change in at least 2 newspapers), finally get the official  court documents saying your name is changed, then going ahead and updating all those legal documents (and paying the necessary fees for  those). If UKDPS is to be believed, our friends across the pond can get everything taken care of in around 3 weeks. Given the fact that court hearings are often scheduled months ahead of time, I think I can stand by my early statement – folks across the pond have it sweet. (And that doesn’t even count the monetary cost).

So how bad is it really?

I  feel like I’m being a bit of a downer here, probably at least partly because in my experience things involving the courts are a royal pain in the ass. That said, from everything I can find, name changes in the US,  while involved and expensive, are usually pretty straight forward. People who have been through it say it’s not much more hassle than getting your driver’s license or registering a child for school.

Name Change Law is a website that has both a list of the steps required in all 50  states (and D.C.) for changing your name and will (for a fee) supply an appropriate name change document that you can fill out for yourself.  For an additional fee, they’ll fill it out for you. All hail capitalism.

Or,  of course, you can start using a new name tomorrow, as long as you don’t mind you’re old name being on all your legal documents.

 

Pregnancy and Polyamory: Picking Baby Names

Jess Mahler4 Comments

Did my best to removed gendered language and fixed some really poorly written sentences. Other than that, it’s much the same as it always was. Revised 1/16/17.

Picking baby names is one of the great joys of pregnancy. Also a real pain in the you-know-what. There are two extremes of name picking: those who have known the names they want for their children since they were children and those who don’t figure it out until after the baby is born. (I had a friend in high school who was named after a brand of soap. The hospital wouldn’t let them leave until her mother picked a name).

In between the two extremes are things like those who pore over baby-name books for hours, folks who want to name the baby after a relative, and the stereotypical ’run every possible name by your best friend to see what they think’. Oh – and don’t forget some families have naming traditions!

Like everything polyamory, if a decision is hard for two people, it is ridiculous for more people.

But why does it have to be more than two people? Why not just have the bio parents pick the name? First, you won’t always know who the second bio parent is. And some people may want to involve their polyam family in the decision, especially if everyone in the family is going to raising the children as parents. So, if you know for certain who the bio parents are, and it works for you, then certainly the bio parents can decide on the name themselves. If not . . . well, the ‘if not’ is why I wrote this blog post 😉

When my first child was born, I was in a triad. We did not know who the father was and we decided not to find out the assumed gender until the birth. One of my husbands didn’t want to discuss baby names. When he was born his parents had been arguing between two different names. They saw him and immediately knew which was the right one. So he was convinced that as soon as he saw the baby the perfect name would come to him. (He somehow didn’t notice the difference between picking one of two names and picking a name out of the blue). I wanted the three of us to go through baby books, rate names, make lists, and generally bored both of them to tears. My other husband seemed at least a little interested in the baby name books and my lists, but he wasn’t good at speaking up and voicing his opinion.

When my second child was born, we found out the assumed gender, boy, and the name was pretty much automatic. Both my family and one of my husband’s families have naming traditions for boys. And we were so focused on that, it didn’t even occur to us it left my other husband out of the discussion entirely. Much hard feelings from that.

Unfortunately, and as I’m afraid seems to be common for this blog, I don’t have any concrete suggestions on this one. It will be different for each family and each child. The usually polyam stuff of communication, honesty and respect will probably get you through somehow.

Last Names

Of course, as difficult as it can be picking the first name for your child, it kinda pales in comparison to how high feelings run when you are discussing last names.

It is traditional, in America, for a child to have their father’s last name. It is becoming more and more acceptable (if unwieldy) to hyphenate both parents’ names. Either of these options works well when the bio parents are known.

But what if you don’t know the second bio parent? Oy oy oy this one can be a real problem. For once, though, I actually have a few suggestions, none of which are perfect, but all of which can work:

  •     Use the mother’s name for the children: nice and simple, can work for all relationship configurations, and drs, teachers, etc won’t even blink at it.
  •     Hyphenate everyone’s name: not even gonna go into the problems with this one, but in a triad, especially if two members of the triad are legally married and have taken the same name, it is actually feasible
  •     Middle names: it is somewhat common to use the mother’s maiden name as a middle name for a child. There is no reason this can’t be adapted to polyam. And I have a cousin (child of a mono relationship) with three middle names and a last name, I’ve heard of people with more. So everyone can be included.
  •     Combine names: this one . . . is a stretch. But, if you don’t mind going for the odd and unusual, you can combine syllables from everyone’s last name to create a new name. Can’t say I like this one, and socially would cause a lot of problems, because it’s expected that a kid will have the same last name as at least 1 parent. But, it’s an option.

If you’ve had a child in a polyamorous family, how did you pick a name, and what was done for a last name?

Polyamory and Pregnancy: Legal Stuff

Jess Mahler11 Comments

Removed gendered references to the other (ie not pregnant) bio parent. Corrected some info. A few other minor changes. Revised Jan 15, 2017.

Probably the biggest potential hassle in being polyamorous and pregnant is the birth certificate. (Yup, legal messes are always the worst kind.) In this case, it’s the issue of legal paternity.

First off, and to the best of my knowledge, as long as you aren’t legally married, you can do pretty much whatever you want with the birth certificate. Leave the “father” field blank until you have get a DNA test, put your primary down, put the partner your new baby looks like down… Seriously, if you aren’t married, whoever you say is the legal parent, is the legal parent.

If you are legally married, then it can get complicated. (Disclaimer – I am not a lawyer, I do not know the law throughout the US, never mind the world. I have given birth in two different states, and know polyam people in a few other states, and so far this issue seems common.) Y’see, some states have this rule that if you are married, your legal spouse’s name goes on the birth certificate automatically. It’s possible you were artificially inseminated to be sure that a specific partner would be the other bio-parent–if you aren’t legally married to that partner you still need to jump through hoops to prove it. (My second to last child, my husband and I had been separated for three years, he lived half the country away and we were in the middle of a divorce–they still wanted to put his name down.)

So, if you are married, and either don’t know who the other bio-parent is or know it wasn’t your legal spouse, what are your options?

Option 1: Save up for DNA testing. Yes, there are DNA tests you can get for $30 dollars through the mail – for this, they don’t count. DNA testing that will be accepted as legal evidence can run up to several hundred dollars (we paid $400 6 12 years ago). Save the money, and inform the hospital ahead of time that you will be having the test done. You’ll have to jump through some legal hoops and forms after the birth to get the certificate straightened out, but it’s pretty straightforward.

Option 2: Amniocentesis – there is a way of testing DNA through an amnio. Obviously, all the possible side effects apply. It is more expensive then regular testing, though if you need to have an amnio for health reasons, you may be able to tack the DNA test on without much extra cost. Big advantage: when the clerk shows up in your room after labor to take care of the birth certificate, you have the papers proving paternity right there.

Option 3: Put your legal spouse’s name down and don’t worry about it. You can get the $30 test later just to know what the medical history is, and otherwise who cares, you are all parents together anyway. Upside – cheapest option with the least hassle. Downsides – emotional impact of the other biological parent of your child not being acknowledged as the legal parent and/or not being certain who the other bio parent is. Some people won’t care, some will – a lot. Possibly greater expense down the line if for any reason you need to change the birth certificate to have other bio parent’s name.

Biggest thing – don’t be blindsided. Happened to me twice, cuddling new baby, happily enjoying motherhood and not a care in the world – bam legal shit. You can speak with a lawyer, your local health department, or the birth registrar at the hospital about the rules your state, so you know in advance what you are getting into.

This post is part of the Polyamory and Pregnancy blog series.

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